FREE Tutorial: How to turn....

STEP ONE: the first requirement for turning 30 is that you must be at least 29 before beginning this process.
If you are unsure of your age then please, let me help you determine if you are about to knock on 30's door and actually have it answered.

• Do you scowl at clusters of teenagers and wonder if giving the finger is illegal?
• Do you find yourself backpedaling at high rates of speed away from persons who are so heavily doused in scent they smell like they own stock in a perfume/cologne factory?
• Do you reach for well aged whiskeys and tequila over sugary candy colored schnapps and gag at the idea of neon green margaritas?
• Do you avoid going to the theater when it will be full of youngin's?
• Do you know what calories are and hate them with a passion born in the fiery depths of hell over their DAMNABLE existence?
• Do you feel like you know the answers to every body else's problems and have to bite your tongue in half to avoid speaking said answers aloud?
• Do you drink water?

If you answered yes to all of the above then you are probably about to hit 30 and can proceed with the rest of the tutorial.

STEP TWO: The second requirement for turning 30 is at least two kinds of homemade ice cream. Any less is unacceptable and any more isn't fair as I myself only made two.

(salted butter caramel ice cream from a recipe by genius David Lebovitz.)

STEP THREE: Turning 30 is a big deal, it's important that you let loose and go a little wild on this most important day.
Remember that in most countries what ever you do on your 30th birthday is considered legal no matter what it is.....huh?.......WAIT!
This just in, my conscience/legal adviser has asked me to add that actually all the same laws apply to a 30 year old as they do to a 29 year old..............umm......I may have some explaining to do to the kind people at the San Diego Wild Animal Park then. BUT in our own defense we make out a little in every elevator we get on...so.....it's not like we're amateurs here.

(face to face with a lion is a truly wild experience, sure there was an inch of glass between he and I but when he roared...my skin crawled in a deliciously scaredy cat way.)

STEP FOUR: This one is a little trickier, as you need to have at the VERY least 2 strong espresso type drinks on the day celebrating your birth. Preferably iced, with a tiny touch of sweetness and a drop of raw cream. They should be had at such times as to fully experience and enjoy the wonder that is fricking good coffee. It will be up to you to decide if that is in the morning, in the afternoon...one right after the other or spaced apart? There are a lot of variables and you should really start planning this special day weeks in advance so as not to find yourself chugging coffee at any moment just to get it down so you can move on to the next item on your birthday list.

STEP FIVE: The feast. Every 30 year old gets a feast on their birthday. It's a known fact. You may choose up to 86% of what your feast will be.

(My feast consisted of fast easy home fries that I will blog about in the future, homemade tartar sauce with horseradish and pickled jalapeños, beer battered cod, GIANT crab legs, mixed lettuce salad and every sauce and condiment I could carry. Please note these TV TRAYS are the bestest things for your dinner AND a movie turning thirty celebration.)

What ever you choose, it could be anything, just be sure it's the sort of meal that makes your husband say things like "Good God, the fridge looks niiiiice." when he's digging in it for ingredients to help cook your fabulous meal extravaganza.

STEP SIX: A good movie and good company.
You will need to rest your feet anyways after a long day of running wild. (see above step three).

(my good company, best husband in the world!!)

The movie should be sufficiently scary that you gasp in shock at least 5 times but not SO scary you are a quivering ball of fear whose hands shake so bad they are nothing but a blur of 30 year old fingers.

STEP SEVEN: This is not so much something that you do as it is something that will just happen. When you turn 30 you will be endowed with special powers. The sort that makes people look at you with shock, awe and respect. It may or may not involve levitating and mind reading, every one is different. If you start shooting lasers out of your eyes though I'd be interested to know as that's the one I wanted to get and I didn't.....aw well, luck of the draw I suppose.

Congratulations, if you have followed these steps carefully and with great reverence then you too are now 30 years old! Welcome fellow Thirty-arian!