Un-phonie.
(rock station, place where the cell phone charges.)I talk on the phone about 3 to 5 times a year. *gasp* Half my audience just fainted and the other 3 of you are clutching your chests in horror. Because I don't have a cell phone glued to my ear? Because I don't consider conversation via actual.....VOICE as necessary to my day as good coffee and oxygen?
Apparently that's so.
The ones who fainted are most likely slowly coming around now and are thrusting trembling fingers at me in accusatory points and are stuttering out "B-b-b-but your mama? You only talk to your Mama once or twice a year on the phone?"
Yep.
O.k., you quit your eye rolling right now, there's this thing. Called the internet? Might have heard of it? I am almost positive I can type as fast as I can talk, well...maybe. And there's this other thing called messenger that makes life so much fun. I probably talk to my Mama more often than those phone caller types do to theirs. And also if we're typing a conversation I can do sporadic bursts of ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, WHILE she's typing too. If I do that on the phone she'd be forced to stop talking until her loon daughter caught her breath.
Now don't get me wrong, I do not think phones are evil nor do I fear them nor do I suspect the American government might think I'm a Canadian spy and are listening to my every "The weather's warm down here EH, How's everything going EH, how much snow have y'all got now...EH?" that falls from my lips during my semi annual actual voice telephone call.
Perhaps it's not that I dislike phones, because I don't, but it's that I love the internet sooooooooooooo much. The internet makes the telephone seem like the sad little hunch back member of the family that no one wants to make eye contact with but you feel like you should give the obligatory hug to anyways. The internet lets you type out your words and then immediately hit delete, delete, delete, delete until you come across as a person who swears a helluva a lot less than you actually do....
Not to mention it lets you simultaneously watch a video, chat to multiple people at the same time, email photos and look up the definition of the word you couldn't unscramble from the damn game that keeps defiantly not letting you beat your own high score because you're prettttty darn sure it's lowered itself to inventing words just to mess with your head. Maybe the game designers decided to ignore a major glitch like the computer will blow up if you get past 14962 points so instead of acknowledging your superior intellect and word un-scrambling abilities it just cheats and says that mystery word was ghsuuiz ( a word you'd never guess) and that it's a disease of a horse's joint. (That's not the actual name of the *so called* horse joint disease but I can't be going and remembering words like that when I have so many phone numbers to keep track of...hee hee caught me huh? All right I lied I don't wanna remember joint diseases for horses because I want to save lots of grey matter room for more important things like the release dates for all future movies that involve any kind of super hero.)
Despite my apparent ill will towards the internet word unscrambling game who shall remain nameless because to utter it's title would give it more power than it deserves, seeing as how that mind numbing little sucker has caused much dual gasping and annoyed "no way, that's not a fricking word" from my husband and I as we play on our computers, the same game mind you....Is that cheating? If so do not tell my Mother as we have racked up that magical 14962 score and she is till only at 6721. Muaahhhh ahhh ahhh. But despite that bit of ill will I love the internet.
It makes my phone look like an archaic piece of plastic that I only leave plugged in because I am pretty sure it's not a number 1 or number 2 plastic that I can recycle and I have not as yet come up with a nifty craft made from phones and so it's just as easy to leave it plugged in and make fun of the telemarketers who occasionally call and leave messages on our machine.
One could say I am unfairly biased for the internet since I met my husband through it, on it? Under it? I met my husband via that wonderful magical sticky web that is weaving ever tighter every day, invisible strands of data that I'm sure if we could see would be glistening, sparkling vibrating threads that cover the world in a breath taking blanket of information. If you could see this blanket of interwoven communication threads you might see that the blanket's tightest, strongest, prettiest weave is the bit that connects Nova Scotia, Canada to California. As obviously that bit is the part of the web's history that was my husband and I meeting quite by chance via Yahoo messenger and then chatting back and forth every day for months until we met in person and he whisked me away from the icy cold that is a February in N.S. to the brilliantly warm, palm tree speckled land that is California.
Those that like to nit pick at such details as "your phone is left plugged in" are probably gasping again, most likely the same people who fainted earlier when I confessed the bit about not talking on the phone much. To calm their racing hearts before they give themselves palpitations let me quickly add that YES I do have a cell phone.
And, I'm quite proud to admit it's the cheapest cell phone out there and doesn't do anything but actually let you talk on the phone to another person if you so had a desire to do so. Which I don't unless its my husband and for that oddball once a year meeting he sometimes has to go have with clients and I tag along and browse around a mall near his meeting location. It's nice to be able to call each other and say "Hey, I'm loitering around the Barnes and Noble cooking section and people are starting to give me strange looks for drooling over the cookbook photos so come get me now and lets go have lunch." If you're doing the math than you have also just realized that at least one of my 3-5 phone calls a year is with my own husband. I bet you can't tell if you're appalled or jealous. I'm thinking jealous.
Not having a cellphone glued to my ear is probably increasing my life expectancy anyways, that and my ability to spot a UFO in the sky should one ever whiz down to do a fly by over the Starbucks near the grocery store we shop at.
I say it increases my life expectancy because since I AM paying attention when I walk out of the grocery store, I can SEE all the other people. And an alarming number of them are all apparently talking to themselves, until I realize they have their itty bitty phones glued to their ears and lest any one think they have no friends they feel the need to carry on that all important conversation as they walk the 30 feet from the grocery store to their car. Eyes glazed, hands full of purchases, narrowly avoiding the cars by the their rapidly fading luck alone.
I do not know how much luck each person in this world is assigned but them zombie-ish cell phone parking lot walkers have gotta be blasting through their share like there's no tomorrow. And I know they DO know there's a tomorrow because if you DID know there wasn't one would you spend your last day buying dish soap and diet soda? Lord I hope not. AND on top of all that the cars narrowly avoiding hitting them don't know their luck is rapidly depleting and is displaying a blinking warning symbol in violent red because they too are glued to their cell phones as they back up out of their spaces, narrowly missing the parking lot zombies as they also conduct their oh so important conversation that s worth risking their own lives, the parking lot zombie's lives and my sanity.
Because watching all these near misses with out the cushioning fog of a voice babbling in my ear is gonna crack my poor mind some day. Though I hope not because like I said, when I come out of the store I am not distracted and I can see the pretty pink flowers on the tree some clever person planted through out the parking lot, the paleness of the blue sky and the way the clouds look like the soft fur on the belly of my cat and how the air smells like something sweet, like sugar burning (which is actually a nice smell) and is most likely coming from the bakery next door.
See if I notice all that then I will most likely notice the UFO that hovers over the StarBucks and I will enjoy every minute of it. (Unless I forgot to take my digital camera, than I will be doing less enjoying and more of a tackling sort of thing as I wrestle some one's cellphone with a camera out of their hands so I can get a picture.)
6 things you learned about me throughout the course of this rambling post.
Why grab six random bits about me from my own blog post, am I just that repetitive and full of myself I think I warrant a list? Umm, yes but also Ms. Tumble Fish from Tumble Fish Studios *tagged* me and I wasn't able to run away fast enough. You remember playing tag as a kid and you'd run until you either hit a tree or fell over gasping for wind and your brothers would barrel into you gleefully shouting "You're it" in your ear, near deafening you and now leaving you with the responsibility of being "IT"? It's like that but with out the increased pulse rate.
Apparently that's so.
The ones who fainted are most likely slowly coming around now and are thrusting trembling fingers at me in accusatory points and are stuttering out "B-b-b-but your mama? You only talk to your Mama once or twice a year on the phone?"
Yep.
O.k., you quit your eye rolling right now, there's this thing. Called the internet? Might have heard of it? I am almost positive I can type as fast as I can talk, well...maybe. And there's this other thing called messenger that makes life so much fun. I probably talk to my Mama more often than those phone caller types do to theirs. And also if we're typing a conversation I can do sporadic bursts of ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, WHILE she's typing too. If I do that on the phone she'd be forced to stop talking until her loon daughter caught her breath.
Now don't get me wrong, I do not think phones are evil nor do I fear them nor do I suspect the American government might think I'm a Canadian spy and are listening to my every "The weather's warm down here EH, How's everything going EH, how much snow have y'all got now...EH?" that falls from my lips during my semi annual actual voice telephone call.
Perhaps it's not that I dislike phones, because I don't, but it's that I love the internet sooooooooooooo much. The internet makes the telephone seem like the sad little hunch back member of the family that no one wants to make eye contact with but you feel like you should give the obligatory hug to anyways. The internet lets you type out your words and then immediately hit delete, delete, delete, delete until you come across as a person who swears a helluva a lot less than you actually do....
Not to mention it lets you simultaneously watch a video, chat to multiple people at the same time, email photos and look up the definition of the word you couldn't unscramble from the damn game that keeps defiantly not letting you beat your own high score because you're prettttty darn sure it's lowered itself to inventing words just to mess with your head. Maybe the game designers decided to ignore a major glitch like the computer will blow up if you get past 14962 points so instead of acknowledging your superior intellect and word un-scrambling abilities it just cheats and says that mystery word was ghsuuiz ( a word you'd never guess) and that it's a disease of a horse's joint. (That's not the actual name of the *so called* horse joint disease but I can't be going and remembering words like that when I have so many phone numbers to keep track of...hee hee caught me huh? All right I lied I don't wanna remember joint diseases for horses because I want to save lots of grey matter room for more important things like the release dates for all future movies that involve any kind of super hero.)
Despite my apparent ill will towards the internet word unscrambling game who shall remain nameless because to utter it's title would give it more power than it deserves, seeing as how that mind numbing little sucker has caused much dual gasping and annoyed "no way, that's not a fricking word" from my husband and I as we play on our computers, the same game mind you....Is that cheating? If so do not tell my Mother as we have racked up that magical 14962 score and she is till only at 6721. Muaahhhh ahhh ahhh. But despite that bit of ill will I love the internet.
It makes my phone look like an archaic piece of plastic that I only leave plugged in because I am pretty sure it's not a number 1 or number 2 plastic that I can recycle and I have not as yet come up with a nifty craft made from phones and so it's just as easy to leave it plugged in and make fun of the telemarketers who occasionally call and leave messages on our machine.
One could say I am unfairly biased for the internet since I met my husband through it, on it? Under it? I met my husband via that wonderful magical sticky web that is weaving ever tighter every day, invisible strands of data that I'm sure if we could see would be glistening, sparkling vibrating threads that cover the world in a breath taking blanket of information. If you could see this blanket of interwoven communication threads you might see that the blanket's tightest, strongest, prettiest weave is the bit that connects Nova Scotia, Canada to California. As obviously that bit is the part of the web's history that was my husband and I meeting quite by chance via Yahoo messenger and then chatting back and forth every day for months until we met in person and he whisked me away from the icy cold that is a February in N.S. to the brilliantly warm, palm tree speckled land that is California.
Those that like to nit pick at such details as "your phone is left plugged in" are probably gasping again, most likely the same people who fainted earlier when I confessed the bit about not talking on the phone much. To calm their racing hearts before they give themselves palpitations let me quickly add that YES I do have a cell phone.
And, I'm quite proud to admit it's the cheapest cell phone out there and doesn't do anything but actually let you talk on the phone to another person if you so had a desire to do so. Which I don't unless its my husband and for that oddball once a year meeting he sometimes has to go have with clients and I tag along and browse around a mall near his meeting location. It's nice to be able to call each other and say "Hey, I'm loitering around the Barnes and Noble cooking section and people are starting to give me strange looks for drooling over the cookbook photos so come get me now and lets go have lunch." If you're doing the math than you have also just realized that at least one of my 3-5 phone calls a year is with my own husband. I bet you can't tell if you're appalled or jealous. I'm thinking jealous.
Not having a cellphone glued to my ear is probably increasing my life expectancy anyways, that and my ability to spot a UFO in the sky should one ever whiz down to do a fly by over the Starbucks near the grocery store we shop at.
I say it increases my life expectancy because since I AM paying attention when I walk out of the grocery store, I can SEE all the other people. And an alarming number of them are all apparently talking to themselves, until I realize they have their itty bitty phones glued to their ears and lest any one think they have no friends they feel the need to carry on that all important conversation as they walk the 30 feet from the grocery store to their car. Eyes glazed, hands full of purchases, narrowly avoiding the cars by the their rapidly fading luck alone.
I do not know how much luck each person in this world is assigned but them zombie-ish cell phone parking lot walkers have gotta be blasting through their share like there's no tomorrow. And I know they DO know there's a tomorrow because if you DID know there wasn't one would you spend your last day buying dish soap and diet soda? Lord I hope not. AND on top of all that the cars narrowly avoiding hitting them don't know their luck is rapidly depleting and is displaying a blinking warning symbol in violent red because they too are glued to their cell phones as they back up out of their spaces, narrowly missing the parking lot zombies as they also conduct their oh so important conversation that s worth risking their own lives, the parking lot zombie's lives and my sanity.
Because watching all these near misses with out the cushioning fog of a voice babbling in my ear is gonna crack my poor mind some day. Though I hope not because like I said, when I come out of the store I am not distracted and I can see the pretty pink flowers on the tree some clever person planted through out the parking lot, the paleness of the blue sky and the way the clouds look like the soft fur on the belly of my cat and how the air smells like something sweet, like sugar burning (which is actually a nice smell) and is most likely coming from the bakery next door.
See if I notice all that then I will most likely notice the UFO that hovers over the StarBucks and I will enjoy every minute of it. (Unless I forgot to take my digital camera, than I will be doing less enjoying and more of a tackling sort of thing as I wrestle some one's cellphone with a camera out of their hands so I can get a picture.)
6 things you learned about me throughout the course of this rambling post.
- 1. I rarely use the phone.
- 2. I'm Canadian eh, specifically from Nova Scotia.
- 3. I may be cheating at that word un-scramble game because my husband and I play it together.
- 4. I met my husband through Yahoo Messenger.
- 5. I have an interest in UFOs and coffee.
- 6. I like the smell of burnt sugar.
Why grab six random bits about me from my own blog post, am I just that repetitive and full of myself I think I warrant a list? Umm, yes but also Ms. Tumble Fish from Tumble Fish Studios *tagged* me and I wasn't able to run away fast enough. You remember playing tag as a kid and you'd run until you either hit a tree or fell over gasping for wind and your brothers would barrel into you gleefully shouting "You're it" in your ear, near deafening you and now leaving you with the responsibility of being "IT"? It's like that but with out the increased pulse rate.
- ***7. Here's one bit you didn't learn from this post but I'm tossing in as a freebie. (I'm a rebel that way, some one says 6 and I say 7.) I once emailed the local radio station from my hometown area to ask for information about the Christmas program featuring the Christmas pig that they aired every Holiday season and...they...NEVER...wrote back. I'm not saying I hold a grudge or have a list of wrong doings done by people but I am saying they NEVER wrote back.
Labels: humor, slice of life, tagged
4 Comments:
toujours moi:
I applaud you on your carefulness of cell phone usage while driving.
Wish I heard your voice more often though.
About the radio station, I wrote asking a question about the cam I viewed daily and they closed the web site. What do you make of that?
Was it something I said, hhhmmmmmm, I wonder
toujours moi: Did they close the whole radio station website or just the web cam? I will have to go check that out.
Oh, Tace . . . I have put off commenting all day cuz I have not one bit of wit in me it seems (40-ish hormones acting up I think) and your reply and comments have certainly been deserving of my best efforts. But alas, wit or not, I wanted to at least thank you before the day was over for playing my tag game. I have figured out now (I'm slow), from your most awesome costumes and impressive tag reply that you are an over-achiever to say the least. I mean that in the nicest way. I'm not even jealous or mean to sound catty like most people are when they say that. (well, maybe a little) So very clever you are! (I keep finding myself speaking and writing like Yoda lately - what does that mean?) Despite your possible repulsion to the idea, very much alike we are. Still hittin' a chord. My cell phone is one of those brick shaped Motorolla grey/beige things that weighs about 10 lbs. Haven't upgraded for awhile. I actually prefer my beeper in most cases of being needed in an emergency - I can prepare myself for the urgent news. Judging by this comment I think I am actually going to leave, I am tired and crazy and need to go to bed and nurse my hormones. However, I will be wondering all night (and possibly kept awake wondering) about the Christmas Pig - hmmm . . . haven't heard that one and would like to know more.
Ms. Tumble Fish Studios, I really meant to take down the "Only wit-ful Allowed Access Here" sign. Dang me and my forgetfulness. Here you were thinking all this time you had to be funny to comment. Why there are some days I post comments on people's blogs and all I have the energy for is an unintelligible tangle of letters like "jhfdjkbfnvjn fjkuy6"
I just pretend on those days that I am fluent in gibberish.
Yoda speaking, excellent your timing is. My husband and I are up to our light sabers in the new Wii game, the Force Unleashed...I may have revealed too much there. You've just yanked out a rubber stamp that says "geek" and are inking it up aren't you? har har. Also just to clarify, it;s not that we're Star Wars freaks, we're Wii geeks, BIG difference. Like, I know who Yoda is but I don't remember what he is.
I'm also not sure I'm an over-achiever as much as I realllly like dressing up and Halloween is the most sane excuse to do so. :D
okie, enough rambling on my own blog. Thanks for stopping by!
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