Dear Universe......
You are so damn sneaky. I love the way you twist and turn the tendrils of fate, weaving me in amongst your strange plans. Very clever. Yes, very clever indeed Universe.
Sometimes, I admit I get a little...well...lets be honest, I get down right furious with you. As in, un-becoming, red cheeked, mad-eyed, righteous indignation infused with a touch of pissed-off-ed-ness at ya.
(I'm pretty sure that's a drop kick I'm performing...)
And I'm sorry about that.
I mean, really when you think about it, that makes as much sense as getting mad at the check out girl at the grocery store.
It's not her fault she needs the manager to come and do secret special manager things to the cash register as the line of people backs up, the crowd of shoppers starts grumbling less than quietly under their breaths and her manager has yet to arrive. I of course don't get angry, cause I can see that's not her fault, and besides that the woman in line behind us is apparently hogging all the anger today, drawing it tight against her pursed lipped self as she stares daggers at the checker and fumes until she realizes no one is taking her fuming seriously and proceeds to dramatically flounce away with her purchases to a different check out.
I might add Universe, whilst I'm thinking of it, that I could see in that moment what you had in mind. It became clear pretty fast that the slowed up checkout wasn't for our benefit, we were just a cog in the machine. Or maybe it was for our benefit but we passed your test with flying colours, cracking jokes with the checker and fellow un-irate customers, biding our time for the manager.
The manager who just happened to be busy, because she too was manning a checkout lane and couldn't leave mid customer check-out. Oh universe, you clever crafty omnipotent thing you. How delightfully, and might I add, deliciously dark of you to have the fuming customer who lane hopped be the manager's next customer....the customer who had to wait while the manager proceeded to leave her station and make her way, 6 lanes down to our station...thereby leaving the presumably still pissed off woman..waiting...again. You can't really me that didn't happen on purpose.
You can't tell me that beautifully orchestrated lesson in patience, manners, good humor and respect wasn't part of your to-do list for the day. Right after making a squirrel get run over by a car but before making that one cloud look suspiciously like the Ship Hector. Busy, busy every day for you Universe, and like I said some days your schemes make sense. Other days....well other days you're damn lucky you don't have an ass I could drop kick in to next week. I'm not even sure I know what a drop kick is, but it sounds powerful and painful and I'd be willing to learn on those days when you do nothing but confuse and exasperate me. Hiding your life lessons so well amongst the general chaos of existing on this planet with every one else that I could even begin to doubt you have life lessons for me at all. I even begin to wonder if I'm just a bit of amusement for you, an experiment, a "what will happen if we make her realllllllllly mad" reality show for you.
Take my tooth.
Actually, to steal an old over-used joke, no don't. I've had so much work done on this one, wee, poor tooth that I do not want it any where but where it is, tucked safely in my head.
But this tooth. What was the plan there Universe? Does one tooth realllllllly need all those dentist visits? Seriously? Was this the master plan of the sneaky dentist's league...or you. I gotta say.....this entire tooth trial smacks of your doing Universe.
Shall we reminisce?
First, a tooth with a prior filling from yeeeeeears ago.
A HA.
Patience?
Is that it? Well hell that's as good a reason as any to make me go through 10, 11 if you count the old filling from when I was a kid...and ya know what?
Lets do that. Lets count it cause I think I should get a wee bit of horror story bragging rights out of this besides my shiny new porcelain crown. That makes ELEVEN, count them, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11 visits to the dentist for just ONE tooth.
So........thanks.
I didn't freak, I didn't mentally crack...well not much. There are people in the world who'd just have to get a tooth yanked, if they could afford even that. And we're not rich by any means but I sure do appreciate being able to get work done on a tooth instead of just ignoring it. Thanks for providing me with the opportunity to not get rip roaring mad at the dentist, cause I really don't think it's his fault my tooth was in a gang run by Satan. Thanks for the most awesome, amazingest husband who sat out there in a waiting room chair for every single second I was at the dentist.
Thanks.
Like I said, I don't always see your reasons but I figure even if you don't have any lessons for me to learn, well I'll be my own teacher, and teach myself.
By the way, if you feel like bestowing me with that super power we talked about before.....like if you're feeling a little guilty seeing all those dentist visits laid out in all their mind numbing numbers glory...well I'm not so learned and advanced I'd turn 'em down.
Love from me.
Sometimes, I admit I get a little...well...lets be honest, I get down right furious with you. As in, un-becoming, red cheeked, mad-eyed, righteous indignation infused with a touch of pissed-off-ed-ness at ya.
(I'm pretty sure that's a drop kick I'm performing...)I mean, really when you think about it, that makes as much sense as getting mad at the check out girl at the grocery store.
It's not her fault she needs the manager to come and do secret special manager things to the cash register as the line of people backs up, the crowd of shoppers starts grumbling less than quietly under their breaths and her manager has yet to arrive. I of course don't get angry, cause I can see that's not her fault, and besides that the woman in line behind us is apparently hogging all the anger today, drawing it tight against her pursed lipped self as she stares daggers at the checker and fumes until she realizes no one is taking her fuming seriously and proceeds to dramatically flounce away with her purchases to a different check out.
I might add Universe, whilst I'm thinking of it, that I could see in that moment what you had in mind. It became clear pretty fast that the slowed up checkout wasn't for our benefit, we were just a cog in the machine. Or maybe it was for our benefit but we passed your test with flying colours, cracking jokes with the checker and fellow un-irate customers, biding our time for the manager.
The manager who just happened to be busy, because she too was manning a checkout lane and couldn't leave mid customer check-out. Oh universe, you clever crafty omnipotent thing you. How delightfully, and might I add, deliciously dark of you to have the fuming customer who lane hopped be the manager's next customer....the customer who had to wait while the manager proceeded to leave her station and make her way, 6 lanes down to our station...thereby leaving the presumably still pissed off woman..waiting...again. You can't really me that didn't happen on purpose.
You can't tell me that beautifully orchestrated lesson in patience, manners, good humor and respect wasn't part of your to-do list for the day. Right after making a squirrel get run over by a car but before making that one cloud look suspiciously like the Ship Hector. Busy, busy every day for you Universe, and like I said some days your schemes make sense. Other days....well other days you're damn lucky you don't have an ass I could drop kick in to next week. I'm not even sure I know what a drop kick is, but it sounds powerful and painful and I'd be willing to learn on those days when you do nothing but confuse and exasperate me. Hiding your life lessons so well amongst the general chaos of existing on this planet with every one else that I could even begin to doubt you have life lessons for me at all. I even begin to wonder if I'm just a bit of amusement for you, an experiment, a "what will happen if we make her realllllllllly mad" reality show for you.
Take my tooth.
Actually, to steal an old over-used joke, no don't. I've had so much work done on this one, wee, poor tooth that I do not want it any where but where it is, tucked safely in my head.
But this tooth. What was the plan there Universe? Does one tooth realllllllly need all those dentist visits? Seriously? Was this the master plan of the sneaky dentist's league...or you. I gotta say.....this entire tooth trial smacks of your doing Universe.
Shall we reminisce?
First, a tooth with a prior filling from yeeeeeears ago.
- Visit 1: Has a crack and needs a new filling, dentist discovers the old filling is touching my nerve and suspects I may possibly need a root canal, fills the tooth temporarily with mysterious dentist meds so that my tooth can have a chance to be a super star and heal. Wait 2 weeks.
- Visit 2: Tooth feels fine, no root canal, oh yaaaaay for me. Pretty new white filling doesn't behave as it goes in. Dentist tries over, and over, and over during this visit, the tooth finally after hours in the chair is filled. yaaaaaaaaaaaay.
- Visit 3: The filling has popped out due to flossing and it's difficult in between teeth area that is apparently damn hard for a dentist to fill. New filling, again damn hard to do, long dentist visit. Tooth re-filled, yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
- Visit 4: The filling has popped out.....again. Dentist tries again but admits if it doesn't stay I may need to switch back to metal amalgam for this tooth, darn, but he gets it filled, so yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
- Visit 5: Routine check-up, I noticed that tooth was aching a bit. Dentist sees no evidence that it's hurt. yaaaaaaaaaaay
- Visit 6: The tooth has joined forces with Satan and puts me through the absolute worst pain of my entire life. Emergency visit for x-ray and referral to the root canal guy...umm..yay?
- Visit 7: Root canal, sweet pain relief root canal. Best damn root canal of my life.
- Visit 8: Crown prep, oh me and this dentist's chair are old friend's now. Getting my tooth finished soon, get a shiny new temporary crown while the new porcelain one is being made. Yaaaaaaaaay!
- Visit 9: The crown has not been made right. Something along the lines of a little mysterious bubble, confusion at the lab, and the crown doesn't go down as far as it should in one spot. *sigh* New molds taken of my poor wee tooth, I get reacquainted with the temporary crown, which is feeling a little less temporary now and go home to wait another week......great.
- Visit 10: The crown is still a little funky. At this point I am gazing up directly at you Universe, sure it may have looked like the dentist's ceiling but trust me, it was you. As they muttered and poked, and pondered and rushed around fixing my crown for the SECOND TIME, leaving me to wait as it's rushed across the street to the crown people I just gotta wonder......are you testing me? Or trying to break me? I'm telling ya now, I won't be broke. I will damn well learn a lesson from all of this even if it's a few new swear words that I invented just for you Universe you malafortling bodsquipper. Yeah, you heard me right.
A HA.
Patience?
Is that it? Well hell that's as good a reason as any to make me go through 10, 11 if you count the old filling from when I was a kid...and ya know what?
Lets do that. Lets count it cause I think I should get a wee bit of horror story bragging rights out of this besides my shiny new porcelain crown. That makes ELEVEN, count them, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11 visits to the dentist for just ONE tooth.
So........thanks.
I didn't freak, I didn't mentally crack...well not much. There are people in the world who'd just have to get a tooth yanked, if they could afford even that. And we're not rich by any means but I sure do appreciate being able to get work done on a tooth instead of just ignoring it. Thanks for providing me with the opportunity to not get rip roaring mad at the dentist, cause I really don't think it's his fault my tooth was in a gang run by Satan. Thanks for the most awesome, amazingest husband who sat out there in a waiting room chair for every single second I was at the dentist.
Thanks.
Like I said, I don't always see your reasons but I figure even if you don't have any lessons for me to learn, well I'll be my own teacher, and teach myself.
By the way, if you feel like bestowing me with that super power we talked about before.....like if you're feeling a little guilty seeing all those dentist visits laid out in all their mind numbing numbers glory...well I'm not so learned and advanced I'd turn 'em down.
Love from me.
Labels: humor, slice of life
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