The Root Of All Evil....

I like to picture where Satan resides.
His hot little hell hole deep in earth. Ripe with disgusting, stagnant filth and the piercing cries of little minions.
But I was wrong. Satan doesn't live in the earth, turns out the old feller has been residing in my seemingly innocent back tooth. I always knew there was something a little evil about me, a certain glint in the eye when I stared deep into the abyss of my own reflection as I practiced making faces. Who knew I may have been housing pure evil in my number 31, aka back tooth?
Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic, perhaps it's not that Satan's lived there all along, it's just that my tooth was a portal for him this past weekend. A doorway if you will, that would let him wreak pain and havoc topside, on the earthly realm. To do a nasty little poking spree, with his three pronged pitchfork, in to the delicate soft innards of my tooth nerves. Of all the nerve, yes really of ALL THE NERVES? WHY MINE?
I've heard people talk about excruciating pain before. And ya think you know pain, I mean just 6 days ago I slammed the back of my ankle on our mini trampoline legs as I was putting it away. The trampoline away I mean, not my ankle, and in pain and shock jerked my foot forward, away from the offending leg and smashed it directly into the next leg, resulting in a colorful assortment, a party pack if you will, of bruises on the front and back of my foot. It hurt, like "owie, owie, owwwwwwwwwwwie, holy fricking hannah" my honey buns running for ice for my foot as I alternated laughing and maybe a wee tear or two, type hurt.
But I was wrong. That wasn't pain.
That was foreplay for pain.
I think maybe the universe just wanted to give me a heads up, didn't want me walking blindly into the week-end of excruciating, mind numbing hell I was about to endure with out a little pain preview ya know? A little something to get the ball rolling. Gee, thanks universe.
Long story short, 3 medications later, frantic phone calls to 3 dentists and waking poor root canal doctors from their toothy slumbers on a Sunday morning later I am feeling goooooood. Practically slobbering with anticipation for my root canal, unable to sleep as a side affect of one of the meds but feeling gooooood.
Weird thing, after the strange, nightmarish blur of a week-end until finally I met my new temporary best friend Dexamethasone, everything tastes sooo good. Every joke Alan cracks and a few he didn't even mean to crack is the funniest damn thing I ever heard. The sitcoms are funnier, the ice cream is tastier and I finally had a coffee...oh yes, I didn't have a single gloriously creamy iced coffee since..umm....I dunno, the last few days are sort of a blur and they can stay that way thank-you very much.
Seriously thank-you brain, you marvelously shriveled muscle residing in me skull, I thank-you. You and your amazing capacity for enduring the tortures of a tooth that I think was seriously pissed off at me (maybe I cracked one too many God jokes and he got pissed and smited me a bit?) Just a thought, one of many crazy ones, one will have with their hand plunged in a bowl of ice to help distract from the agony in one's mouth.

Things I have learned:

• Clove oil
• Peppermint Oil
• Colloidal Silver
• Sea Salt Water
• Ginger Tea
• Iodine
• Ice
• Raw garlic
• Raw onion
• Bowl of ice water to plunge the opposite hand to the side of hell face into
• Pressure points on hands and feet
• Head and neck massage from hottie blue eyed husband
• Tylenol
• Aspirin
• Advil
• Antibiotics
• and 2 kinds of prescription pain killers

.....make a bizarre little cocktail for a weekend and only mildly alleviate Satan-esque pain. Like mildly as in if your entire head felt like it was exploding and you put a Donald Duck Band-aid under your right ear....like that will make it all better. Note how the list progresses.....clove oil to prescription pain killers.
I have a high tolerance for pain. You have to when you careen into doorknobs and desk corners as often as I do...but this....this I'm pretty sure gives me free reign to use 17 of the choicest curse words in a steady stream for 92 hours straight in varying degrees of intensity and arrangement and if you knew the pain I had you would be all "You go girl, curse that tooth out!"
The funny thing is, you can probably tell from my list we are not medicine type people. My dear sweetie had to run out and buy the various pain killers cause all we had was aspirin that had an expiration date from like 2002 on the bottle. Though we're not sure if the pills in the bottle actually had an expiration date THAT old as we both had a very vague recollection of putting newer aspirin in the bottle....though why we did that we don't know, and since neither of us have the foggiest recollection of the last time we even bought aspirin it was pretty safe to say these were probably expired too.
We always reach for the home remedy, the natural and the herbal treatment first. We pride ourselves in not overly polluting our bodies, why hell I had two lovely first time made loaves of chewy sourdough 100% whole grain rye bread loaves sitting in my oven waiting to to be tore into with organic butter and aged cheddar cheese when my tooth went WACKO. (Damn tooth, it's bad enough it totally screwed my week-end but it also ruined my snack. Two loaves of homemade sourdough 100% whole grain bread 6 days later is not the same thing as straight from the oven.)
We like things as natural as possible. We tried natural. Natural almost always works, but it can't fight an evil tooth that can only be brought around to the side of non-evil by a nice little Tuesday morning root canal.
Muaaaah ahhh ahh, take that tooth.
I only wish I could astral project so I could pop out of body and have a go at poking the offending tooth along side the dentist just so I can get a few jabs in, even things up a bit.
My new best friend Dexamethasone has returned my sanity. Thank-you wonder drug. But between you and me I'm dropping that pretty little pill like a bad habit as soon as I'm on the happy side of my root canal. Shhhh, don't tell Dexamethasone that this is totally a one time thing, that I have no intentions of making any life changing decisions to go all meds crazy, pill popping chemical stewing any time soon.
See, I must be evil, see how I'll use my new temporary best friend that way with full intentions of dumping Dexamethasone's ass as soon as possible? Course maybe I wouldn't be such a cold hearted pill snubbing bee-otch if I was able to sleep.....see...that's the thing about sea salt, ice water or massage, there's hardly ever a side affect like not being able to sleep. And that's the only side affect I looked at, if I want to read a scary list of horrible possibilities I'll check out the news. But...............some times modern medicines has it's advantages. Sometimes when you exhaust all other possibilities modern medicine is a fricking miracle. My sweetie likes to think of doctors as mechanics for the body. A lot of things a person can treat themselves with patience, a good diet and some common sense but sometimes, you just need that third party to get in there with his drill and make some holes in your tooth.....hmmm though I have a dremel...and this nifty little diamond tipped drill bit.......
Ahh, no worries, I am pretty sure we shall leave the dentistry in the hands of the professionals, leave the pills alone when ever we can, leave my beautiful bread in the freezer until my mouth can chomp good again and leave Satan in his festering little hole in the earth where he belongs.....just as soon as I evict his ass from my tooth.

• Please Note: Giggling too much in happy excitement over getting a root canal makes the root canal people look at you funny. What ever you do don't tell your Doctor he's removing Satan from your tooth either...just saying...it won't go well. Also strangely enough I can say "she sells sea shells by the sea shore" like a million times more accurately with a face full of freeze juice, Novocaine? I dunno what they call it, I just had a root canal do I really have to call it anything besides freeze juice?