366 Days of a Publicized Big Mouth

"...its like wow she had a lot to say just about that one lil thing"
Yes, yes I do.
I think my sister said it best. Though more politely than I would have.
I have a lot to say about any little thing, because...I....am a big mouth.
Which is good actually, very convenient for cramming such goodies as cakes, donuts and baked potatoes into, AND for holding the umpteen million words that flow from my brain in a mad rush to get off my tongue and into the free world.
Usually there's a verbal traffic jam around my lateral incisor. Words like "dang it" and "frick" not to mention "rump" tend to get caught on the edge of that tooth, causing a crazy pile up of nouns and adjectives, usually I can sort them out though before spewing unintelligible blather upon the public. Though occasionally a few still lurk in there unbeknownst to me.....I can't tell you how much I hate rinsing my mouth out at the end of a day and spitting a few choice words in to the sink, I'm always like "dang, so that's where all my pleases and thank-yous ended up. Damn you lateral incisor, damn you." It's not ME who's the inconsiderate un-thanker, it's my damn tooth in my big mouth.
Today is the one year anniversary of my revealing my amazing big mouth to the world. One year since I starting adding my own 7 cents (I'm worth a hell of a lot more than 2) to the internet instead of just reading every one else's thoughts and ideas. There's nothing wrong with all those other blogs out there, I enjoy many of them tremendously but none of them are written by me and therein lies the problem.... I want to be a blogger tooooooo, I want to share my amazing meals, crazy random ideas, my rants about things that really tick me off, photos of my wine, lips and hair, memories about my childhood, wild schemes to hide from God, poems about dead monkeys, my occasional threesomes and how to's, like fixing a saggy seat. I wanted a place to showcase the 48 rolls of toilet paper we buy at a time, our forays into rotten cabbage, drunk cookie videos, recipes and lessons I learned from Super Mario. And this, like so many other kazillion people before me, this *blog* thing is the place to do that. (call me crazy but you all better keep an eye on these *blogs* I think it's really going to catch on)
Ya see the thing is you can't walk up to people on the street and launch into a description of what you had for supper, complete with snapshots hauled out of your pocket, slightly wrinkled as you forgot about the bend affect of jamming pics into your jeans pocket and then sitting in a parked car on the side of the road for 2 hours until you see a likely candidate who looks like they could use a freakishly detailed accounting of your meals. I have found, that either people don't care or that wrinkled photos detract from your humorous commentary on apple pie. People are less likely to run screaming if you have nice digital photos on a computer screen then wrinkled ones pulled from your pockets....I guess.....I couldn't say for sure....I don't make people run screaming.......perhaps there's been the odd time or two where COINCIDENTALLY some one ran screaming and I had wrinkled photos of my French fries....but that was NOT my doing. Perhaps they saw a spider and were deathly afraid of spiders...yes that's it....
A blog solves all of that, now I can just roll with style down the street calling out a casual yet elegant "read my blog at www.StuffByTace.com" to persons waiting at the bus stop. There's no screaming, no running, and even if they were doing any of that what do I care? I'm rolling down the street to the next bus stop.....
I love my blog.
Plus I'm sure all my friends and family can't get enough of me and a tiny peek into the inner workings of my mind could be a joy and a cheap thrill not to mention satisfy that little piece deep inside their hearts that wants a voyeuristic peek into our lives with out committing to getting a damn passport and hauling ass down here for a visit.....(this portion of the blog entry is brought to you by relatives who like to guilt other relatives into hauling ass down for a visit while turning a blind eye to their own negligent hauling ass duties)
Remember folks, hauling ass goes both ways.
So here I am, lil ol' me splattered all over the world wide web for all to enjoy and roll their eyes at. Go ahead, eye roll all you want but I'm pleased to be contributing original content to the internet, mind you some of it is hopeless drivel and most of it is examples of the world's most longest run on sentences but it's all original. Call me kooky but I get a peculiar little thrill out of announcing a blog update to people in my address book, I suppose I could just forward the "missing iguana/dog/whatever" emails, the "funniest thing I ever saw" emails or the Viagra spam I keep getting...but...I just can't bring myself to do it. You can be damn sure if I ever send you Viagra spam I'll have written it myself, I don't care if it's long and hard and takes all night, I'll write it myself.
There are a few things I've learned from my year of blogging though. (That's 76 posts in 366 days, that's a NEW blog post every 4.81578947 days. Wow, I was a prolific/blabbermouth wasn't I? I mean sure there's people who blog every day but I also gotta eat, bathe and get a little sun every once in a while so as not to turn in to a bag of dirty bones mole person.) But anyways things I've learned:

• Number one is that I am my biggest fan. I have an unhealthy amusement with my own writing and will snort most un-lady like at my own words until my husband looks up from his work to ask what's so funny.
• Number two is that you have to use your common sense, all uncommon sense should relegated to the back of the closet, buried deep in the sub folders on your computer or to secret blogs that you anonymously write. Common sense is the most essential thing in a blog, no ranting about Aunt Petunia's predilection for sniffing nail polish, no giving away secret Canadian knowledge that we're all sworn to keep when we reach the age of 10, no photos of cleavage, rear ends or middle fingers unless tastefully done. No slacking off from household chores just so that you can write another blog entry about coffee or ice cream, like the world needs another long winded love letter to dairy.
• Number three, and most importantly quadruple check your facts, don't be running your mouth off about how great a dancer you are until you video yourself trying some of the moves from "Dancing With The Stars" and see for yourself just how fricking *great* you are. Also don't tell amusing anecdotes about relatives who could beat you up for revealing a secret recipe, secret dog or secret love child. If you should reveal such things you should ensure there's a few thousand miles between you and them not to mention you should get a one day head start.
• Another thing (aka number four) I have learned during my year of blogging is that comments are gold. No better than that, they're chewy pink edible gold! Meaning, woohoo they're great BUT, first and foremost I write my blog for me and for my sweetums. If you rely on comments to fulfill your blogging satisfaction you just might turn into a dried up, puckery old prune who can only write scathingly cruel posts about un-commenters. And I have a sworn oath to only pucker up from a lemon or for a smooch. Though like I said, comments are great and I'm not above leaving subliminal messages on my blog for people to leave them, such as barely visible text or just going ahead and leaving myself comments.

Nothing warms the cold parts of my little heart more then getting an email with an announcement that myself left me a comment. Aww shucks self, you're too good to me, and most often myself has been quite kind in it's complimentary and flattering comments. I think I might like me!
I've been kicking around the idea of what I can do to celebrate my entire year of blogging. At first I considered getting the words "I rule the blogging world, oh yeah, uh huh, that's right!" tattooed on my arm but there's no room there what with the "honk if you love Jesus" and image of an apple pie already holding a place of honor there.
Then I considered having a wild party, you know with all my friends and relatives and fellow bloggers but I'm not a people person. I'm more of a sit in the corner and watch every one else with a mild look of disgust on face, sucking down coffees sort of person.
I also considered writing a poem but all I could think of to rhyme with Blogger was hogger, flogger and snogger. Trust me, you don't want to read the sort of poem I could write with those words.
Finally, I thought I'd do something I've observed other people in the blogging community doing. You don't need to start getting scared and begin covering one eye in preparation of anything nasty. What they do is award a little treat to some lucky reader/commenter to celebrate their blogiversary. Usually by a random drawing, entering every commenter who leaves a comment between a specific set of dates. Well sounds cool huh?
EXCEPT......
What if there's been a commenter who has been faithfully commenting all this time and some yahoo I don't know from Adam happens to stumble across my blog on the day of the contest and leave a comment and win the little treat I'll send...is that fair?
Hell no!
So first thing I did was look over the number of comments I have had on my blog for the past year. By my calculations, as long as my fingers weren't too jittery on the calculator buttons from the overdose of celebratory caffeine, I have had a whopping 173 comments!
Wowsers!
Who knew? Then I tallied up the comments to see who left the most, so that I could award their faithful commenting, their generous spirit, their kind words and often visits with a treat.
The number of most comments left by a single person is an astounding...(can I get a drum roll from the people please? thanks)
119!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Congratulations to the lucky commenter who must seriously enjoy what I've been writing...umm...er.....what's that? Ahem, seems I'm that commenter. Wow, I ought to get myself something really fricking nice huh? I had been thinking along the lines of a really good chocolate bar or some such thing but now I'm thinking I ought to be endowed with magical powers or at least the ability to turn water in to port. I suppose I should admit that at least half of those comments I left myself were actually in reply to real comments people had left me...makes you wonder about the other half though huh? *grins*
In the interest of fair play, since no one could be as big a fan of me as I am, I then looked to see who came in second. A much more reasonable number of comments totaling 18 by a single person. My Mother-In-Law! Wow, thanks Mary you can expect a little treat in the mail before too long!
NOW, if I do a random drawing I've already taken care of the fairness side of things. Myself and Mary will be excluded from the drawing. Leave a comment on THIS post between March 4th and March 11th and you will be entered in a drawing, the winner gets a little treat and my conscious is clear because it'll be fair to all involved...*howl erupts off screen*
Ah shoot, my sweetie pie howls a good point. A lot of my commenters are family members....soooo...it's gonna look pretty suspicious if I have a random drawing and my dear sweet mama happens to win, even if it's completely random...I mean I wouldn't even buy that. So I will have TWO drawings, one for the strange people...er...I mean strangers and one for family. The winner from each category, strange people and family will be announced on the 11th (as long as there's nothing good on tv and then it might have to wait till the 12th)
You can only be entered once and every one who wants to participate for a surprise treat can! (and I can avoid having an angry mob on my doorstep....again)
Holy cannoli I'm glad this only happens once a year, it's fricking exhausting trying to keep this all straight.
It's been a fabulous year, though I expected nothing less. I became a permanent resident of the united states, I co-wrote an entire novel with my husband (maybe we'll get it published some day, a whole book full of run-on sentences, cool huh?) I only bought 3 or 4 loaves of store bought bread (that I recall) because I made all the rest, I learned to start the car, made my own Marmalade jam, did NOT get a cow, drank a hell of a lot of coffee, made our own Halloween costumes and not once did I ever scream bloody murder at who ever the heck it is at the grocery store that's been fondling the cilantro so much it's falling out of it's bundles, I resolved a few personal wrapping paper issues, and I turned 30!!!! All that PLUS 76 blog posts.
*pats self on back*