New Year's Resolutions: Or how I can not fail!

(Writing my resolutions, bet I can keep mine up more then you can keep yours)

• I resolve to swear more often and use the Z%$#^ word in creative ways at least 3 times a week. (and one of those times will be in front of the baggers at the grocery store, is there anything more fun then making teenagers cringe?)

• I resolve to buy more ice cream. Piling carton upon carton into my super market basket. Especially when skinny minny women and big eyed children are present, so that they may weep with envy at my icy cold gluttony. So they shall turn green with jealousy over my wild ice cream ways. Store clerks will raise an eyebrow, just one, as they ring through my purchases and ask if we're having a party, and I shall pertly answer with just the right amount of acid on my tongue (as in tone not drug) that no, we're not having a party we're having ice cream.

• I resolve to drink more port and solve every one's problems whilst tipping back a few. Is there any issue in the world that couldn't be solved whilst in the hazy glow of a port warmed brain muddle?

• I resolve to buy newly released Nora Roberts books so soon off the store shelves that the covers are still warm from the stock boy's hands.

• I resolve to talk loudly in public about our secret rendezvous with the french embassy and that we have the goods hidden in a cracker box at the grocery store. Just so some house wife can have a little thrill....and possibly some crackers.

• I resolve to learn more words in Spanish because even though I can apply "caliente" to a lot of things it would be cooler if I could say "mucho caliente". Like I would like a mucho caliente new hat, or wow that baby has the cutest mucho caliente dimples I've ever seen. For you Canadians mucho caliente= tres chaud (approximately I think)

• I resolve to reduce the amount of trash we throw out every week to even smaller amounts then last year, so that I can prance my tiny can down to the corner and throw my hands up in a gesture of "TAKE THAT!" attitude as our neighbors put their overflowing trash bins next to ours. Then I will dance a little "ha ha I'm hurting the environment less then you" kind of dance whilst they slink away, possibly even in tears.

• I resolve to watch Talladega Nights at least once a month, or at least this scene which is the BEST movie scene EVER. I dare you to defy me. Saying Grace