I won't Mince words here....only pies....

I'm going to brag about my fried pies here but don't ask me for the recipe...no really. I'm not being coy. I'm not clinging to some tiny bit of home maker glory to make myself feel superior to you. I'm certainly not trying to hide it in an attempt to make that scrunched up whiny look appear on your face. Heavens no, that's just a bonus. The truth is I don't have a recipe.
Did these lovely little morsels of fried pie goodness just appear in my kitchen of their own accord, unaccompanied by earthly means?
Well...noooooooo...not exactly.
It's just that so often (and really it's more like more often then not) I do not follow a recipe. Or if I am following a recipe I am changing so many things in it during the first trial run that what I end up with can not possibly be anything but a distant cousin to the original recipe, heck maybe not even a cousin, maybe more like the person your distant cousin dated for 3 days when they were 17.
If I were to give you the recipe of something I made that you 'd sampled and liked and you tried making it yourself you might be tempted to shake your fist at me and call me a cheat. Why? Oh did I forget to mention I changed the butter to coconut oil when I made it, I added cinnamon and dark rum instead of vanilla....oh hmmm well are you saying you didn't guess I would leave the water out and replace it with Kefir? And ummm...shall I confess that I can't remember the last time I baked with white flour....suppose I should have mentioned that I changed it to stone ground whole wheat........
See what I mean?
It's first time out alterations like those that make sharing a recipe hard. I probably should have tried to remember to write every thing down that I was changing as I went....snoooooooooooooooooze... Sorry I was boring myself already. If I can't even finish the thought I'm hardly likely to do the actual work of recording my alterations. And that's just the recipes I'm sort of actually following.
What about the made up as I go along, completely pulled from my own brain kind? The taste as you go and see what it needs a pinch more of kind?
Perhaps it's not even fair to brag about those.....
Well hell who ever said sweets are fair??? The fact that they're loaded with little nasties called...(psssttttt cover your eyes if you're sensitive to reality) ahem, as I was saying sweets are loaded with...(deep breath) CALORIES.
Cripes I hate calories.
I remember the exact moment I learned of the existence of calories. When I was a kid every one was yakking about fat this, full fat that, half fat the next thing. I was no dummy, fat was the big bad scary wolf of the dessert world. I munched my way through bags of gummi bears in smug delight. I scoffed at the fat fear-ers as I delighted in my boldly emblazoned bag of "NO-FAT" gummi bears. What's that saying about all good things....? I bragged one too many times to the wrong person...or the right person depending on how you see your glass. I'm seeing this one half empty till I get over the horror.
"Look" I say, "They're fat free."
"Yeah but they have sugar...." he says.
At this point I was hovering in the nicely padded, cushioned zone of ignorance is bliss. Little did I know my world was about to change for ever.
"yeah but, they're fat free, so you can eat as many as you want." I was so confident, so much that if I didn't vocally add a "DUH!" at the end of those words I'm sure a "DUH!" was written all over my face.
"Yessssss but..." (has there EVER been a good but?) "they have sugar, so they're full of calories."
Insert that perfectly appropriate sound of a *record player needle being dragged across the record ending the harmonious beauty of my calorie innocence* right here.
*sigh*
They say life changes when you hit puberty, pbbbbbbbbbtttt, big frigging deal it's not puberty that messes us up it's calories and the knowledge of their existence.
I have a theory about this too. Physicists say there are actually particles that behave differently just because of the fact some one looks at them, acknowledges their existence.
That's...mind blowing...BUT I've known this for years, calories only start having their evil little caloric effect on people AFTER they become aware of them.
That's why kids run around in glorious sugar highs asking for candy for breakfast, donuts for lunch and ice cream for supper. They don't KNOW yet......but they will.......Some one will burst their strawberry flavoured bubble. Some one always does.
Sweets just aren't fair. They're mind numbingly delicious, life changingly scrumptious, make-you-sneak-out-to-the-fridge-for-one-last-nibble addictive it's true.....but they aint fair.
So that's why I can brag about what I made and how tasty it was and not even give you a recipe for it. Suffer. It's ok, it's just the sweet life.
O.k.....now I feel guilty and I can feel your giant puppy dog like eyes staring at me with shock, blinking back tears as you sniffle and hiccup unbecomingly.
So just for you cry babies, a quick run down of my spur of the moment mince fruit fried pie.
A quick and delicious filling made from a blob of coconut oil, frozen cranberries, half an orange, the juice of an orange, raisins, salted pecans, one red delicious apple chopped up, the zest of one orange cut into satisfying little strips, cinnamon, ground cloves, nutmeg, a sploosh of molasses, a splash of dark rum and a wee tiny bit of cornstarch to thicken the whole lot. Cooked up till it was thick and dark and smelling like Christmas in a pot. (which is a good thing)
When it was cool I rolled heaping spoonfuls of it in eggroll wrappers, sealed it with a bit of beaten egg and fried it in coconut oil till golden and crisp. Sprinkle with more cinnamon and...yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmm.
Actually if I recall the exact words of my husband when he bit in to his first friend mince fruit pie they were and I quote. "Ohhh, oh yum....." Then a breathy silence as his tongue absorbs the flavours followed by "Oh man, that's good, that's really good. Yummm. Wow what's in this?"
So, that's why I'm bragging up my fried mince fruit pies and not even giving you an exact recipe. Because I don't have one and sweets aint fair.