Ferocity at Fibs!

Lying...
If there is one thing I can not abide it's lying.
Unless......I'm the one doing the lying then of course that's fine. I'm like every other human on the planet, lying only pisses me off it it's some one else doing it and it's me they're lying to.
Oh ANNNNNND some one DID lie to me.
ME!!!??!! I fear a swoon coming on...I'm so distraught.
Is there a sign on my head that reads "Gullible moron here, no need for attempting truthfulness with this person who was obviously born yesterday"? NO, of course not, that would never fit and plus signs on my head make me look fat.
I think I'm beyond shocked actually, no need to wrap me up in one of those nifty silver space blankets I've gone beyond your basic every day shock, zipped past disbelief and have settled down in a cozy corner of righteous indignation. Correction, make that severely peeved righteous indignation!
It was such an out and out blatant lie fed to me that it didn't even have one broken fragment of a possibility of truth to it. That in a way is almost worse then just a lie! You didn't even care enough to come up with a half way decent one!
I appreciate a person, who if they're going to lie to me, takes the time to make it a believable one. Or heck, I'd settle for a creative one at the very least. Even if it was as far fetched as "you were abducted by Ronald MacDonald and forced to eat Burger King burgers under a full moon wearing a tutu and thigh high stockings" I could at least have a smidgen of satisfaction in that you cared enough to try.
But alas it wasn't so....
And this LYING person...they know who they are.
Did you think I wouldn't know??????
I sit here waiting for you ALL day yesterday on your promise that you WOULD be here...and...NO show...
When it got late and the possibility of you showing was becoming less likely I grew concerned. What had happened?
I looked you up and do you KNOW what incredibly stupid thing you said to me???
"You weren't home"
Ohhhhhhhhh.......really? (heavy on the snide disbelief)
Is your bottom hot?
Feel a little burning sensation going on.......down there?
CAUSE LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE, that's just bull and you KNOW it.
We had a deal, and if for some unexpected reason I had to step out you were gonna leave me a note...remember????
SO WHERE'S THE NOTE?
Oh that's right....you couldn't leave a note cause you WERE NEVER HERE and to top it all off tried to tell me you were......Jerk!
And I suppose you're gonna try telling me you DID leave a note...what happened to it? Blew away, Ants ate it? Spacial rift opened up and swallowed it...HA!
And that's all assuming that with all my windows open, never more then 15 feet from any one, a long uphill curvy drive way that you managed apparently to drive up, IGNORED our car parked there, managed to turn in the tight little space to leave...and all the while you're feeding me this line that you ACTUALLY did this....but came up with the idea I wasn't home...oh and left an apparently invisible note and went along your merry way.....what, were you in stealth mode? HA! DOUBLE HA! You lying coward!
And do you know what's the worst...worse then your smoldering ass and my disappointment, it's the fact that this is the THIRD time you've done this to me.
O.k., so stuff happens, some times plans fall through, but you have used this EXACT SAME LIE THREE FRICKING TIMES!!!!!!!
Isn't there some saying about fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me three times and I'm gonna have to whup your ever burnin' ass.
But you know what, fine, I don't want to see you any more anyways. I don't need any liars in my life, least of all repetitive, unimaginative ones.
There's OTHER people who could take your place like that *snaps fingers*
So long Fed-Ex I'm Fed-up, it was nice knowing you.
You're not the only big name 3 day shipping delivery company out there boy-o.
But so far you're the only LIAR!
I mean how would you like it if next time I have a delivery confirmation package that needs signed for, you arrive here and I am GONE....ohhhhh noooooo, I was supposed to be here to sign for that...oh no what to do, what to do.......or so they think, only I'm NOT gone, I pop out of the bushes with one of them "A HAaaaaa's!" and holler "How does it feel Mr.Fed-ex person????????" AND THEN when they try to get me to sign, I'm NOT gonna, and they will eventually leave, with broken spirit, sobbing into their pile of packages....BUT WAIT.......*laughs an evilly delicious laugh* THERE'S MORE......after they leave I will call Fed-Ex head quarters and DEMAND to know where my package is.....muaahh ahhh ahhhhh.....and they will say "We TRIED to get you to sign it but you wouldn't" and I will force feed them as ridiculous a lie as they fed me...."ohhhhhh but I WAS here, but I NEVER saw any Fed-Ex persons....I surely would have signed for my much needed package of whatever the heck I ordered IF there had been a Fed-Ex person here but there WASN'T"
SO THERE! How's it taste Fed-ex?

Pile'O Dead Monkeys!

lets kill the monkeys
that's just what we will do
we don't need the monkeys
but we need the monkey stew

we'll throw their bodies in a heap
their bones into a pot
we'll wait till they are all sleep
then murderize the lot

cause we don't need the monkeys
so here's what we should do
we'll kill all the monkeys
use their bones for monkey stew

now the monkeys all are dead
our bellies full and fat
but now we're bored and all alone
we didn't think of that

we killed all of the monkeys
made their bones into a stew
we killed all of the monkeys
and there's nothing left to do......


This should go without saying but the author of this poem wishes no ill will towards any monkeys.

An interesting phenomenon.....

takes place when Alan is asleep.
Specifically when Alan is asleep before me and I lie staring holes through the ceiling until I admit that the sandman hasn't paid me a visit yet.
You can not force sleep upon yourself, well at least I can't, so up I get to putter about until I start to yawn.
This is not the interesting phenomenon, me un-sleepified that is.
SMASH, CRASH, SQUEAK, BOOM...CRASH, SQUEAKKKKKKKKKK, CREAAAAAAAAAAAAK....THIS is the interesting phenomenon
What's interesting is how suddenly, once the decision to try and be as quiet as possible has been made, it's as if some cross wired bit of my brain announces to itself that the purpose of my stealthy mode is to be as noisy as humanly possible.
I quietly slide out of bed and grab my glass of water on the night stand to take with me to the living room and....SMASH...by some unfortunate twist of poor stealthy reflexes what should have been a simple maneuver ends up sounding like a symbol crash as I crack a heavy glass full of water on to the night stand. Alan, bless his sleepy little heart doesn't bolt upright in bed but he does open his eyes and smile sleepily at me. At this point there's no need to whisper but it seems appropriate though a little late now and so I say as softly as I can "I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorrrrrrrry, I can't sleep" Ahhhh mysterious crash explained, and Alan closes his eyes and drifts back to dream land where I am sure he is fighting zombies and kicking general dream people ass.
Hey what can I say, some of us dream about giant vats of ice cream they can slide down into like it's snow and some of us dream we're super hero ninjas who can fight 7 guys at once....go figure.
Tiptoeing is next. It's not necessary but after the incredibly loud *wake yer neighbors 10 miles in every direction* way to announce I can't sleep, it seems only fair to try and balance the quiet scales a bit. Tip toeing I'm good at. In fact if tippy toeing ever becomes a sport I will kick major toe ass because I'm the fricking queen of tippity toeing my way across the carpet. I tip toe so well I fairly float. (this is because I have had oodles of practice during school years at home when the fine art of tippy toeing to the fridge in the middle of the night yielded the much coveted and rare cookies that were meant SOLEY for school lunches) Oh yeah, I hear what you're thinking "sure she can be quiet when there's a sugar loaded treat as the goal" I agree, this appears to be the only way to counteract the cross-wired stealth mode of my brain. Add a sweet treat to the equation and Bammo, I'm like the fog, slowly rolling over the floor, touching everything, yet eerily quiet, gliding to the freezer and cracking open a Ben & Jerry's.....
How ever unfortunately for my poor sleeping husband on this occasion I'm not hungry and so I tippy toe my way expertly across the carpet to my computer chair, quietly lower myself into it and CREEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeaak....what the hell?????? It's almost as if I have some sub-conscience power to transfer my bizarre cross wired un-stealth like stealth mode to inanimate objects (and cats). The chair has NEVER made this sound when we're both awake. It sounds like a chicken hawk is being slowly strangled. I freeze, sitting as still as possible in the chair until the chicken hawk is apparently dead and set my glass down upon the desk...WHAM! Damn it, this is getting ridiculous....it's as if when Alan is asleep and I am awake all the every day objects I come into contact with are now percussion instruments so expertly constructed in some mysterious way that a simple glass touching the surface of the desk is like a crack of thunder. In fact, I get up to check the window CREEEeEEeeeeeeeeaaaaaaak (ok so chicken hawk isn't quite dead yet) to see if it looks stormy on the off chance it's not me that time but a legitimate act of nature.....but alas it's just not my lucky day, no vicious thunder storms to explain away the incredibly deafening sounds I'm apparently responsible for. Damn it.
At this point since I'm already up I might as well refill my water glass (as I suspect I lost half of water down the side of my night stand from earlier)
Luckily one of the cats chooses this moment as I am tippy toeing to the kitchen sink to streak in front of me, knocking into my legs and forcing me to stumble, bump against the table BOOM! and SQUEEEEAAAAL like a startled mailman. I say luckily because who knows what invisible foe the cat just saved me walking into.......yeah right.
At this point I am usually so exhausted from the strain of trying to be quiet that I just turn around smashing and crashing my way back to bed. Careening off the garbage can, cupboards and walls that mysteriously get in my way.
And my sweetie pie Alan sleepily asks as I crawl under the covers "Was that the military?"
"No" I answer sheepishly
"Oh" he answers knowingly
"lets just go to sleep"
and so we do.


Side note for Canadian Relatives, it was a legitimate question for Alan to ask if it was the military he heard cause they are fairly near here and are either having wicked awesome parties every week or are exploding things just for fun. Either way the windows rattle on a regular basis from them! Just thought you'd want to know.

A Threesome with Ben and Jerry

A quiet weekend threesome with me, Ben and Jerry turned into an orgy of cold creamy lovin....
I try to stay strong against those two and their sinfully delicious ways....but how am I supposed to resist temptation with flavors like....creme brule....Oh mercy me..........
I do my damnedest to ignore their enticing good looks but it always ends up the same.
MMmmmmmmmmmmmm....
Me, Ben and Jerry in an orgy of frozen goodness on the kitchen floor.
Slightly full, slightly abashed and slightly apologetic to my husband who doesn't understand why eating a pint of ice cream has to involve thrashing about like a fish outta water.
It was Creme fricking Brule flavored ice cream peoples......
Times like that I wish I smoked.

God-Proofing the House

I'm sure we all feel that God gets a little pissed off at us from time to time, BUT does that mean you want to stop doing the stuff you're doing? NO, of course not. Sinning is fun. So here's some helpful tips and suggestions on how to God-Proof your house and life.

1. If superman can't see through lead then wouldn't it stand to reason the most super man of them all couldn't either?? So the first thing to do is line your entire house with lead. I hate to say it but the seams are gonna have to be air tight. This is God we're talking about here. Even the tiniest little crack and I suspect to God it would be a gaping void to peer through at your evil doings. If you can not manage an entire house then perhaps try confining your evil doings to a more reasonable sized room or closet that you CAN line with lead. The oxygen requirements I will leave up to you, I'm only concerned with what God can or can not see me doing.

2. Some times you're going to need products and accessories to aid and assist in your sinful ways. Sadly this can mean leaving the lead lined house....you most likely will need a breath of fresh air by this time anyways. Going to the store and buying paraphernalia of any sort is EASY if it's your mother you're trying to give the slip to but this is GOD we're dealing with today. Make yourself harder to see. There are many ways to accomplish this, the military aint wearing all that camouflage because it makes them cute people. Also NEVER walk in a straight line, bob and weave. This should be your mantra ALWAYS. A moving target is a target less likely to be smote. Keep in mind stores that carry the much needed sinful accessories you're risking the wrath of God to buy are most likely NOT going to be lead lined, so you will need to bob and weave your way among the aisles. Try throwing miscellaneous extra items you dont need into the cart with the...well...YOU know what you're buying. This will not only throw God off track but the check out clerks as well.

3. Do not be alarmed but I suspect that God will notice one of his sinful subjects has suddenly acquired a lead lined impenetrable to God's eyes house. So you might need to convince God you're not up to no good in there by occasionally walking outside, looking casually up to the sky God-wards and saying in a loud voice "Wow, doing crossword puzzles are not only fun but my vocabulary is getting more better, and boy Bible reading is just swell and who knew I could make a cake with no oil, it's healthy AND delicious" This will assure God of your non-sinfulness. UNLESS you are a poor liar and then God will most likely send a rain of lightening bolts down upon your person. You must always be sure you are not grounded when talking to God, a well aimed bit of electricity from the heavens would be a sure stop to all your fun. Also investing in some good quality surge protectors for your home are a must when you might be at risk from lightening bolts meant to purge the earth of your wicked ways.
Another way to assure God that your lead lined house is a good and honest thing is to convince God that it's a necessity. Try walking around your yard with a Geiger counter and say in a loud enough voice for God to hear "Hmmm these readings are awfully high, good thing I got me a lead lined house so I can shield myself from the effects of this mysteriously unexplained radiation" With a bit of practice you can add some much needed realism to your Geiger counter readings by clicking your tongue loudly, mimicking the sound a Geiger counter makes in the presence of real radiation, this will definitely fool God.

4. All peoples attending orgies, cult meetings, all-you-can-smoke buffets and swap meets should be wearing a personal flotation device at all times. In the event you have not fooled God and he sends a flood your way then you will be prepared. It's out wit or quit in the sinning world.

5. Some times the simplest solutions are best. Wearing white robes, a pipe cleaner halo and carrying a harp has worked surprisingly well for some sinners.

6. Find the strongest poison you can and spray it every where inside and outside of your home. Sure the poison might be bad for you BUT compared to the pestilence you read about in the bible it's nothing! If you do not know what pestilence is then you are seriously screwed.

7. God is a lot like Santa Clause. He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good...BUT you want to keep being bad for goodness sakes. Then you must do all your bad deeds VERY VERY quietly. Most likely a neighbor will be doing their bad deeds at a normal volume and God will be distracted by them and not notice you running quietly naked through the parking lot. Perhaps you might start keeping a log of when your neighbors like to sin so that you can sin at the same time, albeit more quietly.

8. Never look at anything sinful directly, EVER. This way you will not run the risk of being turned into a pillar of salt. Most likely all your sinful friends at the orgy would just dip their Margarita glass rims into you and party on anyways. You wouldn't want to miss out on all the fun would you? So no looking at anything sinful directly. Try practicing this technique on some blasphemous words you've printed out on non recyclable paper.
If you're going to some place where numerous sinful activities are taking place you might want to bring along a blindfold. Sometimes there's sinning every where you look at a good party and it would be best to just go ahead and sin blindfolded. Alternately try turning out the lights. If you sin in the dark you cant be held responsible for what you can't see. You are probably now recognizing the value of a lead lined house with airtight seams...what happens in the dark stays in the dark!

I wouldn't bother going to all the expense of these God-Proofing methods BUT I'm almost certain God's not gonna be fooled by just a handful of Sundays and some scripture quoting. We're gonna have to try a lot harder then that to escape God's eye. That's why I'm off to the hardware store to see just how much lead they have in stock. (Running serpentine all the way in my wicked awesome new cammo jacket with built in personal flotation device!) Toodleloo.

One Summer......

.......way back when I was just a wee lass no taller then a blade of grass growing on top of an ant hill, (of course combining the two heights together, of A: the ant hill plus B: the grass to equal C: the height of me) my Momma made root beer.
SHE MADE ROOT BEER!
She might as well have called down the sun to do her bidding, whistled up the wind at her command, made animals talk in french.....it was THIS miraculous to me that my very own mother MADE root beer!!!!
In modern times, meaning now, I know that anything and everything can be figured out, made or ordered off the internet. Great gobs of information are just floating around out there in cyber space from "how to please your man in 3.7 seconds" to "making cheese at home, the easy way". So the idea of making root beer or any soda for that matter doesn't seem so crazy, so unattainable, so far beyond my capabilities, not when the internet is at hand and I can google a topic to death within 2 minutes of thinking it up.
BUT this was back in ancient times, meaning BEFORE the internet....
And my Mother just MADE root beer, right out of the blue! Well I mean there were details and a method and ingredients and all that wonderful stuff that I am sure is involved with making root beer. But I don't remember any of that, not with the sweet song of "MOM IS MAKING ROOT BEER" singing in my head. Oh what a tune....it's volume only lessened by the warnings from my Mother that making root beer was NOT an instant gratification type process...it took....TIME.
ack!
TIME, the death knell of any child's enthusiasm. ack, why do things always take TIME when you're a kid. Why even bring up the wonderful possibility of HOMEMADE root beer if it's going to take time???????????? If you mention root beer I want it now, like any normal kid. Patience is for doctors not a young girl in the middle of the summer with root beer lust clouding her brain..
BUT once more the root beer tune wove it's sweet melody through my brain as the details of making root beer were put into action.
Beer bottles were gathered...from where??? I don't even recall, perhaps making root beer involved one great big beer drinking party for the parents...a ha...perhaps this was the motivation behind THEIR root beer making enthusiasm!
New bottle caps were bought. Shiny silver bottle caps that were more precious then any jewelry could be. I was astounded by the brilliance of my Mother. SHE knew where to BUY brand new unused bottle caps, when I hadn't even known a thing like that was possible??????
After that the root beer making process is a blur.....with the only thing standing out in memory being the glowing orange Hires root beer box that contained some magical mysterious ingredients that would be transformed into....root beer. ahhhhhhhhhhh...home made root beer.
Then that nasty downside of the whole process came into play.....time...ack. I remember we had to leave the bottles alone for some length of time. It felt like years, it felt like I was being told I couldn't have any precious home made root beer till I was an old woman. In reality it was probably only a few weeks or so but it might as well have been yeeeeeaaaaaaars.
It was summer and the days were slowly ticking by with school looming ahead in the future. And I was slowly being tortured. I wanted summer to last forever and school to stay a vague distant idea in front of me, forever always 2 WHOLE months away! BUT.....I wanted root beer....homemade root beer.....root beer that could ONLY be had after some miserably long length of time had passed. I believe I may actually have created some sort of rip in the fabric of time and reality with my conflicting prayers that summer. For time to slow down and crawl by so school would never arrive....for time to speed up and pass in a blur so I could get my hands on homemade root beer from a REAL beer bottle........
I'm not sure if I did rip the fabric of reality but I DID get to go on a mini vacation to my Grandma Prest's for a whole week! Going to Grandma's place meant biscuits and molasses, a big Red Dog named Benson and walks down Pembrook road so I was pretty satisfied with those arrangements. What better way to pass the time awaiting for homemade root beer then with your Grandma and a big Red dog??
I don't remember very much about that particular visit with Grandma Prest, it was fun as always...there was indeed biscuits and molasses to be had every day..... but eventually the week passed and I returned home. More anxious to hear news on the root beer then even to see my own Mother.
The way I remember it....and so it must be true......I asked if the root beer was ready yet and could I have some.
I don't know how I can finish this....you do not want to know what the answer to my innocent root beer lusting question was......
They drank it.
I thought it was a joke.
Surely if it had been ready during the week I was GONE they'd have saved me ONE bottle.
Nope.
NO JOKE
and worse....NO HOME MADE ROOT BEER for me......
*sigh*
Oh there were *excuses* and most of them valid I'm sure.....at least that's what I tell myself. One can't disown their own family for enjoying home made root beer with out you and not saving you even a drip...not even a half a drip...can one???
Well I didn't....and I got past the heart breaking disappointment...almost.
But I tell you this.....NO root beer will ever taste as good as that root beer I never got to have.
I'm sure if I'd had a taste of that home made root beer it would have been good...perhaps even GREAT! But I know this for sure, there is NO way that root beer could have been as delicious as I know it was by never having had it....It's aura increases with each passing remembrance of it. The family enjoyed mediocre homemade root beer that NEVER got made again...but for me, I missed out on superbly divine root beer that I am sure tasted like ambrosia and grows in flavor fabulousness with each passing day!
I think perhaps I will go bake a cake now and throw it out. Just so I'll have missed the opportunity of eating the most decadently delicious cake that ever existed, which sounds a lot better then scarfing down semi o.k. cake that was a little dry.

There's no Storm but I've Found Another Port....

When Sprouts was still Henry's before it became Frazier Farms it sold us our first bottle of Port.
Confused?
So are we, I dunno what to hell to call the store that changes it's name more times then I change my socks!! (and this from the girl who'll switch from stripes to polka dots and back to stripes again, all in one day!)
Ahhhhhhhhh our first bottle of port....Ficklin's ,in case you're curious, and it was DIVINE! Ahhhh I remember it well...vaguely.....
It opened a whole new Port infused world for us...
I really think every one's *first* official alcoholic beverage ought to be a glass of Port. Sweet and potent and just the thing to celebrate being able to do something legally that most y'all were doing way before the legalities of it were even any where near being a reality!
I also think Port is just the thing for all the non-drinkers....short of being a recovered alcoholic who's gonna go on a binge and sink into a deprived mania should you touch the stuff, I really think that a little glass of Port would go down just fine no matter who you are!
Believe it or not there was a time I'd sworn I wouldn't touch a drop of alcohol myself, all based on some very negative things I'd witnessed by other people who misused it. Now that I am older and *all grown up* I realize that every one who drinks isn't a drunk. I learned this fact a little later in life then most but I'm grateful to learning it at all!
A whole world of flavors and experiences have been opened to me since I discovered that alcohol isn't a crutch, it's not an escape...it's a SPICE!!!! It's salt, it's the little extra something that makes food taste triply delicious and a wonderful treat all on it's own! I truly believe that all things in life in moderation, that a person can NOT be ruled by other's people's choices, mistakes and decisions! So imagine my pleasant surprise to discover that alcohol isn't what I observed in OTHER people! It's something I learned, on my own and through my husband, to be a fun splurge, like a roller coaster ride! Of course any one in their RIGHT mind doesn't ride a roller coaster 24 hrs a day! There are those that would say riding a roller coaster even once is insanity....but that doesn't mean there are those of us who can't ride a roller coaster every now and again and enjoy the wild sensations!
However, all that said, if you haven't got your hands on a bottle of Port by now I'm really going to have to insist that you do...it may very well be one of the essential building blocks of life...er...or at least it's a sweet treat worth trying!
Recently I was looking for some Port at our local Frazier Farms previously known as Sprouts and before that Henry's...and what to my wondering eyes did appear but a WHITE PORT! White Port made from white grapes....ohhhhhhhhhhhhh darling why don't you come home with me and be my little love slave! It was like fate, I'd just been reading online about White Port...I hadn't even known such a thing existed before 2 days ago! For something like 11 bucks a bottle it was worth a try......Plus there's this whole "you drool on it you buy it" rule at the store.....
To say it was delicious is like saying a sunset in vivid, eye searing, brain jarring reds is *o.k*.!!!!
It was beyond a pleasant surprise! I love my beautiful red Ficklin ports but this white Krohn Lagrima port was.......mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm refreshingly delicious...the port flavors were expected but there was a clear, less syrupy quality to this wine that was a pleasant surprise. Where as the Ficklin ports felt *thicker* on the tongue this Lagrima by Krohn's was crisper but had all the headiness of a port we'd come to expect!
Oh...by the way...did I mention it was half the price of Ficklin Ports we'd bought????
The only thing I'd ever come close to experiencing as *buyer's remorse* is not buying MORE of a delightful new discovery, like this white port by Krohn's. Having finished the one bottle that we'd bought on a lark, I'm kicking my ass sideways that we'd hadn't thought to snatch up the other bottles available for sale! Now we must endure a knuckle biting evening of semi buyer's remorse hoping against hope that a veil of invisibility has covered the remaining bottles of white port at Frazier Farms previously known as Sprouts and before that Henry's.......
The white Port was THAT good. Invite it to be a member of the family and name it Josephine good!
For 11.99 a bottle of Krohn's Lagrima porto will set you on an evening of mellow fruity delights...and if that doesn't appeal to you then perhaps a nice bowl of rusted screws would be more to your liking.