Reasons not to Get a Dairy Cow.

17 and a half reasons why I don't need a dairy cow.

1. Cows are probably expensive, I mean people are always giving away puppies and kittens, one only has to peruse the classifieds to see evidence of that, but so far I have not come across any "cow give aways" or even free calves...it wouldn't have to be a big cow. However like I said the non-give-away-ed-ness of these animals leads me to suspect they're not cheap.

2. Cows require a lot of STUFF...as do I......and being a mature responsible-ish adult I am faced with the problem of wanting to keep getting stuff for ME.....if I had a cow I might have to make some sacrifices (not human) to provide for it. As of yet I am not prepared to give up Nora Robert's books and coffee for cow food and cow toys.

3. Cows like fields. I know this to be true because every cow I have ever seen was in a field. I lack a field. No field equals no cows. Although..... perhaps it's a "if you have one they will come.." sort of deal. Like maybe if I started with a field it would soon be populated with wild cows drawn to it....... There is still the problem of acquiring a field though as I suspect they're also expensive as no one has ever said "free field" in the classifieds.

4. Cows don't go up stairs. We have stairs, fields don't. I suspect stairs plus a cow equals a problem.

5. Cows and cats may not get a long. When you have a pet it is a responsibility. Any life you choose to take responsibility for is a commitment. Like having a kid. I love me kitties and I could not bring a cow in to the house and risk upsetting and even perhaps emotionally scarring them for life because of my own selfish cow desires.

6. I can't find any litter boxes for cows. The cats have a nice big litter box but even that would be tiny for a cow I suspect. Perhaps if I had a field that would be a nice big outdoors litter box...but again I am lacking in fields. If on the off chance a cow could use a cat sized litter box I am not entirely certain the cats would be happy with that arrangement. Can one even use a cat pooper scooper on cow droppings???

7. I do not know how to milk a cow. I suspect that's the sort of thing one should already know how to do before getting a cow. I also haven't figured out where to go to practice this. And even if I do learn...and do get a field...and do collect a posse of wild cows....well then can I milk a WILD cow?????

8. Sometimes we eat hamburger. A lot of times it's buffalo burger. I do not know if buffalo is related to cows. I mean it might be akin to eating a cow's cousin. I think this might be disturbing for a cow to witness. I have a theory that disturbed cows do not produce as tasty milk as an undisturbed cow. (not that it matters as I don't know how to milk a disturbed cow either)

Ok, so that's only 8 reasons why I don't need a cow, but I am trying very hard not to pop out to Target or wherever and pick one up. I thought perhaps if I listed out the cons of owning a cow that I could diffuse my dairy cow lusting. And the reason for all the dairy cow lusting is because we have been buying sooo much milk lately to make homemade yogurt and kefir that it almost seems more practical to just get a cow...almost. I secretly yearn for a cow. BUT I also am secretly scared of the work and responsibility associated with owning a cow. I suppose I should be grateful that I can buy raw cow's milk at a local store if I so desire and that's the next best thing to owning a cow.
Actually the next best thing to owning a cow is owning a compact fridge whose sole purpose is to store milk. That's practically a cow right there!!!! A Big hefty thing full of milk, that screams cow to me. We have named our mini fridge Clara Belle. Alan suggested *Mcguyvering* up a rubber glove and some hose and a hole in the door of the fridge so we could make a nice set of *faux* udders that could dispense milk at a gentle squeeze. This seemed like a cool idea but a lot of work so for now we just get the milk the old fashioned way by opening the door and pouring out what need from cartons.
I'm kind of shocked that I can't think up a full 17 and a half reasons NOT to get a cow...I mean maybe that's a sign I oughtta get one. I shall ponder this. For now I am making do with Clara Belle the mini fridge full of milk and Alan mooing every time I open the door. (some times he forgets to moo but I have found if I slam the fridge door a couple times he gets the hint and will moo like you wouldn't believe)
By the by if you don't know what yogurt is then shame on you but if you don't know what the "kefir" I mentioned earlier is then I'm not surprised. I hadn't heard of it myself till a few years ago. It was during a mystical journey under my bed that I discovered the secrets of dust bunnies and milk combined to become known as Kefir......oh shame on you again if you believe that. It's actually a fermented milk drink, so sort of related to yogurt but much different tasting and feeling. Like yogurt it is probiotic and cultured and also like yogurt it is absolutely delicious. I suspect I shall blog endlessly one of these days on our newly discovered joys of making our own Kefir at home.


Clara Belle the mini fridge with over 4 cartons of milk, 3 containers of sour cream, 1 half and half, 1 heavy cream, 3 bowls of Kefir and 1 bowl of yogurt. MMMMMMOOOooooooooooooo

Super Lessons from Mario: PATIENCE

What I've learned from playing Mario...not like playing him for the fool..but you know making him hop and bounce on turtle heads....
Oh and if you have never played any Super Mario game then not only are you just plain wrong in so many ways but you are probably still back at *bouncing on turtle heads* I'm not even sure I want the likes of some one like you who hasn't experienced the bliss of a super mario game reading my lament anyways... so...just shut yer eyes for now, I'll tell you when it's safe to open them again.
So anyways mostly it's patience I've learned...
And not just from the actual game play but from having to wait for it.
Like when you're so desperate for the new Mario game, that you know the date it is released better then family member's birthdays, you have to learn to have a little patience....
calling the nice folks at Best Buy, 7 times a day, disguising your voice and asking each time "are you sure you don't have secret copies of the game for famous people hidden in the back room" is NOT patience....
Sitting on your hands and biting your lips with your eyes closed whilst your husband hides the phone IS patience.... BUT dang it whhhhhyyyy do they even have to tell us poor miserable Mario Lovers the date the game is released...so I can count each day in agony and horrendous angst awaiting the arrival of Super Mario the way I used to wait for Santa...starting in June.....
I suppose I didn't have to look up the release date...but who are they kidding...they know I'm not strong...that I can't hold out against a squat Italian plumber ..... still talking bout Mario here.
They should have kept that info to themselves instead of gleefully spreading the word that Super Paper Mario gets released April 9th, 2007...and when it's still November....2006.....you scream in agony and beat your computer screen with angry albeit it gentle fists.


Days drag by with a slow creeping dullness when Mario is so close...yet still so far away. When it's November 2006 you can't even say "I'll be playing Mario in just a few weeks...a few short weeks..." Cause no..it's not till next bloody year that those in charge are so kind as to release the game...yep..release it...cause I just know they've had it all this time, playing Mario, getting their dirty eye prints all over him while I sit here....Best Buy on speed dial...waiting.....
And then April 9th arrives with all the speed of a snail through molasses on a cold day in hell and you dress in your finest of finery...contemplating whether this is the right occasion to bring out your wedding dress again or should that be kept for Super Mario Galaxy...another game entirely...wanting to look your best for such a special occasion.


Arriving at the store in record speeds on this glorious of glorious April 9th's 2007...waiting anxiously in the car whilst your sweetie runs into the store...(a few phone calls too many gets your picture up in the employee lounge and it's not for being customer of the week...more of a where's waldo type scenerio that could land you in a lot of hot water....by the by...you can not threaten to to jump on Best Buy employees heads or throw turtles at them....so I hear)
And then Alan returns to the car and you laugh because he's empty handed...and giggle at the seriousness on his face...and cackle at his hilarity at hiding the game upon his person so as to prolong the anticipation, and he says no "It's not out till tomorrow" and you shake your head in denial and laugh a little more although a bit desperately this time and shoot darting glances at the store, fidgeting in your seat and muttering "It's just a joke, it's just a joke, it's just a joke"
But you know.
Deep in that special part of your heart reserved for Mario you know what your sweetie is saying is true...and you weep...the pair of you in the car under a palm tree, wadded piles of tissues in your laps, flipping the finger to any one who so much as looks like they work at Best Buy or could have at some point......
And then you drive home in a state of utter exhaustion.....too drained to climb the stairs, collapsing on the steps in a sorrowful heap, clinging to each other and murmmering "Mario, Mario"
So...like I said. Patience.
I'm actually kind of glad the release of the game was some how mysteriously delayed for a day.
Yeahhhhh.
I feel like I've grown as a person because of this trying time. And I've learned a few other things along this bumpy road to the new Super Mario game....like that sitting on the steps till well after dark will result in a multitude of snails clinging to one's body, that I scream like a girl, that ice cream and chocolate will ease the ache...just a little, and cheese cake will ease it a little more after that.
And that I can buy the new Super Paper Mario at Toys R Us tomorrow instead of Best Buy if for some reason......hee hee......some unfathomable reason there's some issue with us being within 300 feet of the store and it's employees.


p.s. (written after initial Mario Patience lament) we have acquired the new Paper Mario Video game through fairly legal means and are thrilled to have this hellish await for it at an end....now.....waiting for the release of Super Mario Galaxy (hopefully the dirty eye prints will be kept to a minimum)

Breadhenge

Further explorations into "no knead" bread have proven delicious. A loaf with a lovely spicy layer of raw garlic running through it turned out fantastic, as did a half whole wheat version of the bread. (It was bloomin hard to cut all those little grains of wheat in half but the recipe called for it..half whole wheat, and who am I to argue with a recipe)
To keep the bread moist when freshly cut I turn the loaves up on their cut ends...and..voila!
Breadhenge!
The people in England have it all wrong, it's not rocks but giant petrified bread ruins, obviously from some huge bakery and even huge-er bakers!!!
I will need more no knead bread in my near future as I just bought a new (pre-seasoned) cast iron dutch oven...ohhhhhh yeah! Perhaps this will result in slightly less spread out bread (as I get from my cast iron frying pan) THOUGH I assure you flatter bread is just as delicious as higher bread!

I NEED NO KNEAD.....

I could easily crawl right inside one of those soft, little bread dimples and live happily ever after with my sweetie. We could chew our way through the loaf like ants, make all kinds of soft, squishy rooms to live in....if only.......


Some days I'm a sheep. A happy, fluffy sheep contentedly mingling amongst me fellow fluffy sheeps. (deliberately added the *s* at the end of sheep, aint it more cute that way?)
You know how in the cartoons, the sheep will follow each other right off the edge of a cliff? Well some days it's nice to be the first sheep to make that leap...and others, well I'm contented to just go along for the ride...er free fall and see what all the fuss is about.
Which brings me to bread.
I need no knead bread.
I have read waaaaaay too much about "no knead" bread in the last couple weeks to keep up this false pretense......that I'm indifferent to all me fellow sheep leaping off the cliff into the world of "no knead" breads.
What IS all the fuss about....??? I don't even care that a zillion other sheep have already blogged their first forays into the magical world of no knead breads. So many have done this so why add one more blog to the batch??? BECAUSE.....
Damn it, because you all aren't reading all those other blogs. Blogging is like spreading a virus. Let me infect you me dear family and friends with the joys of "no knead" breads.
So as you can tell from the name it's bread........that you do NOT knead...need yes...knead no.
Actual bread, not knock off biscuits masquerading as bread either. Actual bread.
Apparently this whole sheep, cliff diving, no knead bread craze started with a column by Mark Bittman who adapted the recipe from Jim Lahey of the Sullivan Street Bakery. O.k., covered my posterior well enough here for y'all to understand that give credit where credit is due. Hmm..well maybe just a certain amount of credit cause I don't know where HE got the recipe.....but HE is the one who has ignited this "no knead" craze. Oh yes it's a craze!!! Go ahead and type in "no knead bread" in to the search engine of your choice and become quickly disillusioned in my own genius as you see the umpteen zillion articles and blogs boasting, bragging and baking no knead bread...and *sniff*.....*sniff sniff*.......ALL before me........
wahhhhhhhhhhh.
So I read the recipe (which you can find EVERY where on the internet, but I am too un-sheep like in this one respect, to post it here with out permission first)
But basically you mix up some flour, salt, water and the itty bitty-est bit of yeast and LEAVE alone for 18 hours. Then you fondle it a bit after that period of time (in no way does this fondling resemble kneading either, its just transferring the dough to a flourerd surface, shaping it etc) Let it rise for a couple more hours, bake it up...and........
HOLY FREAKING HANNAH!!!!
BREAD...bread....sweet yeasty Gods I made bread with NO kneading...the same sort of bread I shell out 5 dollars a loaf for at the local stores because it *looks pretty*.
Let me tell you, once I committed myself to making this "no knead" bread the worst part, the most tortuously slow part was the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiittttttinnnggggg...
Luckily...or maybe not so luckily I timed my 18 hour dough rise for partly when I was asleep...which meant I had dream after dream after dream of "no knead bread". Images of it in all it's various stages. Was quite odd...can't say as I ever dreamt about bread before. But when morning came I was readyyyyyyyyyyyy....well ready to dump it outta the bowl for it's second but thank heavens mercifully short rise. And ohhhhhhhhhh it baked up so fine and crispy and mouth wateringly golden and I suppose *rustic* is the term.
This loaf of bread was almost too pretty to eat...but no worries we just closed our eyes in homemade bread ecstasy and shoveled it in. YUMMERS! Tasted as good as it looked, faintly sour dough like, moist and chewy with a crackly, crispy crust.

I baked mine up in a cast iron skillet. I had to manufacture a *lid* of sorts out of tinfoil, but it worked out good.


*sigggggggghs*
Unfortunately my sweet and barely blossomed romance with that particular loaf has already come to a delicious end...(translation: we ate it all, but the other way sounds less piggy)
However have no fear as I have 2 more loaves on the go, rising happily on my counter top as I quietly go crazy from the wait...er...I mean wait for a couple more hours to pass and I can bake em up.
So as you can see I have built a fairly good case for why in some occasions it's good to follow the flock, cause some times when that many people are doing something you know it's gotta be good. *snicker* I will reserve this same argument for the future when I think Alan and I will get matching tattoos AS we bungee jump,in the middle of a poker hand, chewing bread and smoking....well smoking anything, followed by a nice round of liposuctioning and spray-on tan. Cause after all if every one else is doing it......
BAAaaaaAAaaaaaaa.
BAAAaaad Sheep.