God-Proofing the House

I'm sure we all feel that God gets a little pissed off at us from time to time, BUT does that mean you want to stop doing the stuff you're doing? NO, of course not. Sinning is fun. So here's some helpful tips and suggestions on how to God-Proof your house and life.

1. If superman can't see through lead then wouldn't it stand to reason the most super man of them all couldn't either?? So the first thing to do is line your entire house with lead. I hate to say it but the seams are gonna have to be air tight. This is God we're talking about here. Even the tiniest little crack and I suspect to God it would be a gaping void to peer through at your evil doings. If you can not manage an entire house then perhaps try confining your evil doings to a more reasonable sized room or closet that you CAN line with lead. The oxygen requirements I will leave up to you, I'm only concerned with what God can or can not see me doing.

2. Some times you're going to need products and accessories to aid and assist in your sinful ways. Sadly this can mean leaving the lead lined house....you most likely will need a breath of fresh air by this time anyways. Going to the store and buying paraphernalia of any sort is EASY if it's your mother you're trying to give the slip to but this is GOD we're dealing with today. Make yourself harder to see. There are many ways to accomplish this, the military aint wearing all that camouflage because it makes them cute people. Also NEVER walk in a straight line, bob and weave. This should be your mantra ALWAYS. A moving target is a target less likely to be smote. Keep in mind stores that carry the much needed sinful accessories you're risking the wrath of God to buy are most likely NOT going to be lead lined, so you will need to bob and weave your way among the aisles. Try throwing miscellaneous extra items you dont need into the cart with the...well...YOU know what you're buying. This will not only throw God off track but the check out clerks as well.

3. Do not be alarmed but I suspect that God will notice one of his sinful subjects has suddenly acquired a lead lined impenetrable to God's eyes house. So you might need to convince God you're not up to no good in there by occasionally walking outside, looking casually up to the sky God-wards and saying in a loud voice "Wow, doing crossword puzzles are not only fun but my vocabulary is getting more better, and boy Bible reading is just swell and who knew I could make a cake with no oil, it's healthy AND delicious" This will assure God of your non-sinfulness. UNLESS you are a poor liar and then God will most likely send a rain of lightening bolts down upon your person. You must always be sure you are not grounded when talking to God, a well aimed bit of electricity from the heavens would be a sure stop to all your fun. Also investing in some good quality surge protectors for your home are a must when you might be at risk from lightening bolts meant to purge the earth of your wicked ways.
Another way to assure God that your lead lined house is a good and honest thing is to convince God that it's a necessity. Try walking around your yard with a Geiger counter and say in a loud enough voice for God to hear "Hmmm these readings are awfully high, good thing I got me a lead lined house so I can shield myself from the effects of this mysteriously unexplained radiation" With a bit of practice you can add some much needed realism to your Geiger counter readings by clicking your tongue loudly, mimicking the sound a Geiger counter makes in the presence of real radiation, this will definitely fool God.

4. All peoples attending orgies, cult meetings, all-you-can-smoke buffets and swap meets should be wearing a personal flotation device at all times. In the event you have not fooled God and he sends a flood your way then you will be prepared. It's out wit or quit in the sinning world.

5. Some times the simplest solutions are best. Wearing white robes, a pipe cleaner halo and carrying a harp has worked surprisingly well for some sinners.

6. Find the strongest poison you can and spray it every where inside and outside of your home. Sure the poison might be bad for you BUT compared to the pestilence you read about in the bible it's nothing! If you do not know what pestilence is then you are seriously screwed.

7. God is a lot like Santa Clause. He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good...BUT you want to keep being bad for goodness sakes. Then you must do all your bad deeds VERY VERY quietly. Most likely a neighbor will be doing their bad deeds at a normal volume and God will be distracted by them and not notice you running quietly naked through the parking lot. Perhaps you might start keeping a log of when your neighbors like to sin so that you can sin at the same time, albeit more quietly.

8. Never look at anything sinful directly, EVER. This way you will not run the risk of being turned into a pillar of salt. Most likely all your sinful friends at the orgy would just dip their Margarita glass rims into you and party on anyways. You wouldn't want to miss out on all the fun would you? So no looking at anything sinful directly. Try practicing this technique on some blasphemous words you've printed out on non recyclable paper.
If you're going to some place where numerous sinful activities are taking place you might want to bring along a blindfold. Sometimes there's sinning every where you look at a good party and it would be best to just go ahead and sin blindfolded. Alternately try turning out the lights. If you sin in the dark you cant be held responsible for what you can't see. You are probably now recognizing the value of a lead lined house with airtight seams...what happens in the dark stays in the dark!

I wouldn't bother going to all the expense of these God-Proofing methods BUT I'm almost certain God's not gonna be fooled by just a handful of Sundays and some scripture quoting. We're gonna have to try a lot harder then that to escape God's eye. That's why I'm off to the hardware store to see just how much lead they have in stock. (Running serpentine all the way in my wicked awesome new cammo jacket with built in personal flotation device!) Toodleloo.