Apple Pie Anguish

I am not a violent person by nature.
I do not bitch slap the check out girl for touching my tomatoes.
I do not trip the idiot smoking near the doors to a public place and make him eat his cigarette, nor take pleasure in his sobbing for forgiveness if I SHOULD make him eat it.
I don't flip the finger at morons who must have learned how to drive from a video game.
I don't holler obscenities at strangers for giving me the evil eye just because we were dancing in the middle of a department store aisle. If they don't wanna see it they can dang well look elsewhere.
I hardly ever do anything criminal....
BUT there are days....there are days when I just can't sit back and take it......some injustices are so wrong, so basically evil in their existence that I can not just cringe and turn a blind eye. Some one must pay for the injury they have inflicted upon my person, some one must PAY I tell you for the cruelty and mental anguish they have caused....caused how you might ask...HOW??@@#!@
BY serving me RAW APPLES SURROUNDED BY MUCOUS-Y STUFF AND ALL MASQUERADING AS APPLE PIE.
APPLE PIE!!!!!!
Apple pie my ass...in fact that sounds better then the dutch apple crap I've been subjected to on occasion. Is there a sign on my forehead??? Something I can't see that says "apple pie sucker here" No need to break out the good fully cooked apple pie, just serve up the the stuff the 2 year old in the back baked up in their easy bake oven...no...actually that gives more credit to the pie then I want to give. Something a 2 year old baked up in their easy bake oven would be better then...*shuddddders* canned apple pie filling. My heart can't take it. There is NO bigger betrayal then being served a slab of delicious LOOKING pie, sliding my fork through the flaky crust, the crispy crumbles into.........what in the holy hell??? I don't even know what you can call it...in MY world (which is all that is right and good) apple pie has cinnamon and brown sugar, the inside of an apple pie should be brown..NOT WHITE BORDERING ON FREAKING GREEN!!!!!!!!!! Do I need to ask the waitress to bring the pie out for my visual inspection before I actually commit to ordering a piece.... I don't want to make a fuss but I have to admit perhaps the embarrassment of asking to examine the merchandise before buying would be less then throwing a tantrum in the middle of a restaurant and making the waitress cry. If you have never seen a grown woman throw a tantrum over apple pie then consider yourself lucky. If flying silver ware and sobbing bakers and the full born fury of an enraged and betrayed apple pie connoisseur isn't your cup of tea...then perhaps you'd best steer clear of me when I have the urge to try apple pie from an as yet untried apple pie source.
There IS good apple pie out there, I've had it and it was gooooooood, sell your own mother and tattoo the recipe on your back good. Apple pie that leaves me speechless...YES speechless for WHOLE minutes while I bask in the dreamy cinnamon-y goodness and rightness that is a decent slice of apple pie.
Perhaps this is the problem, perhaps if I'd just been fed apple crap all my life instead of some half decent bordering on exquisite pies I'd not know what I was being subjected to at these.....restaurants...HA! More like apple pie clone sweat shops. And they get away with it??? I mean...I just can not fathom what the heck is going on behind the closed doors of some kitchens.....a little common sense people...like if you slice into the pie and it goes CRUNCH THERE DAMN WELL BETTER BE SOME FREAKING NUTS IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! APPLE PIE IS NOT CRUNCHY!!!!!!
That's apple pie 101 people..apples that go crunch are RAW, If people wanted raw apples they'd get a RAW APPLE. Pies are baked...supposedly...pies should be squishy and gooshy and ooooeeey gooey little microcosms of heaven. APPLE PIE IS NOT CRUNCHY. And you know what...fine..fine..say the baker accidently didn't keep an eye on the timer and took the pie out too early...fine..I've done that myself a time or too (meanwhile I damn sure put the pie BACK in the oven when I discovered my error...but that's just me I happen to CARE ABOUT WHAT I AM BAKING)
But anyways say a busy baker at a restaurant is busily baking up a storm for all the unsuspecting suckers...ER..I mean *DINERS*, and say this baker pulls the poor pie outta the oven too early and it mistakenly gets served to the suckers, I mean diners...that's fine...INNOCENT mistake.
BUT, you explain to me, explain to me how a BAKER can in good conscience make an apple pie that has NO brown sugar in it..NO cinnamon to speak of AND some how not bake the pie to doneness....I'll tell you how..THIS BAKER DOESN'T CARE. They could just as easily be whipping up a nice fresh batch of injected molded medical supply parts. This person has NO business being anywhere NEAR innocent apples and virgin pie crusts. Oh the pie crusts, it's pretty hard to mess up a pie crust, who even cares about the pie crust, a pie is NOT about the pie crust, they don't say "would you like some pie crust with some apples?" NOOOOooooooOOOooooo cause it's all about the apples people. And the apples are just one part of the triad of goodness that is a decent apple pie. You gotta have brown sugar, you gotta have cinnamon and you gotta have apples. The crust can go to hell for all I care. It's main function in life is just to surround the apples, and to keep waitresses from getting their grubby fingers all over my apple-y goodness.
So here I am once again feeling the sting of apple pie betrayal. Did they know what they were serving me I wonder?? Have a good laugh over that one from behind closed kitchen doors? Mean while my heart is breaking with the first forkful....I don't even have to take a bite...........I feel my throat aching, my eyes well up. They couldn't have hurt me any more then if they'd taken the very fork they gave me to eat this *stuff* and jabbed it in my back. Betrayal. I can take it. I have before and I will again. But can the apples people??? How long do you think apple pie will let itself be victimized this way????
I for one have learned my painful lesson...yet again. Know your source people, you don't want to get stuck with a bad batch of apple pie.
Let them go on making their apple pies, more like MOCK APPLE PIES, just let them. Let them think that nobody noticed. Maybe I am just a nobody to them......one nobody who noticed....and remembers.
But do not worry dear friends that I have lost all faith in the apple pies of the world. Like I said there are good ones out there......and where there's good apple pie, I'll be there, fork in hand, smile in place, anger in check.
But should you be the unsuspecting diner next to me at a place serving the miserable excuse for a so called apple pie....beware. Better yet move away. Go to another restaurant. For like a mighty volcano my fury will not be contained any longer...should I be denied my good apple pie.
And please remember, bad apple pie is NOT a victim-less crime.....just like bonking a bad baker over the head...some one is going to get hurt in both cases.